The truths about life from my eyes...

The truths about life from my eyes is about what I see. I can only speak for myself and maybe someone thinks or feels the same way. It has been almost ten years since my mom passed away. August 23, 2010 will be 10 years. I seem to have a hard time every August since she passed. This 10 year anniversary seems to be one of the hardest for me. I don't know why but the anger I had when she first passed in August 2000 is back! I can't explain and it hurts to even express to anyone. So, I type to get it all out. I'm angry at the world right now and I don't like it. I'm feeling like my world inside has not been crushed but just plain been taken away. I have nothing but negativity inside and I don't feel those happy moments even a little bit. Not everyday should be such a battle from within. Here's the part where some may be asking, you're a Christian right? So, why don't you give it to God and let Him take this burden from you? It would be a whole lot easier if I didn't know who Jesus was and then I could really just be a wreck, but because I do it makes it that much harder. I'm angry! I want Him to come to me and make me better. I don't want to go to Him. He see's my pain why can't He just take it away? You see how stubborn I'm being? It is so hard right now and I just want to throw in the towel and give up. I don't want pity I want the pain to go away. Far, far away! I don't want to let anyone in and I wish I had a shell to crawl under to make things go away. I was born a person quite similar to my mom. I want to fix everyone's problems and make them happy. I'm finding out that it's what probably had something to do with her passing at 56 years of age. She took so much on and left nothing emotionally for herself. She was drained and it affected her from the inside out. I know I have a huge part in that by telling her all my problems in my first marriage. I called her for everything and told her everything. She was all I had and I didn't know any better. I had no one to go to but her. Or maybe I did but didn't know it at the time. I feel I had a part in her passing at such an early age. I thought I forgave myself for that but apparently I haven't. Like my mom I take on everyone's problems and try to fix them. It's not a conscience choice it's part of who I am. It seemed a lot easier to do when I was younger but now that I'm getting older I'm finding it wears me out and makes me want to just get out of this world. Which is probably what my mom thought. Not to say she wanted to die, she just wanted peace. I know now what she must of went through behind closed doors and the tears she must of shed not being able to help the ones in need, like me. Danny and I went to the Exit Concert put on by Diamond Bar Calvary Chapel for Chi from the Foo Fighters who's in a coma from a car accident. They put on a concert with different bands including P.O.D. I found it hard to even try and have a good time because of all the negativity in my body. It seemed I was angry even hearing people's testimonies. I thought why are you being glorified for doing drugs and being a prostitute while millions of people have worse struggles in their lives and they don't get to go on stage and have everyone clap at their disgusting life. Now I have to keep in mind that these people were testifying what they did before Christ. Yes, I understand but still the anger is there. It's like Lohan getting away with things the normal population would never get away with but yet because she's famous she gets treated with hand slaps. Time and time again you hear of famous people getting away with crimes we as the normal public would not have a prayer of getting away with. I find myself taking more meds than I need to. Not to harm myself to the extent of not waking up but to get out of these taunting thoughts. I probably am doing damage slowly to my body but the sickness of the feelings and the illness is that bad that I don't care. I should care I have 3 beautiful children that I'm sure don't want their mom to go anywhere soon but the thoughts are so strong I give into them every time. I wish I could feel better.

Missouri

Well, I got my wish! I went to the country and got to sit on that porch and listen to the birds and trees! I even was able to experience the fire flies! I went to Cousin Jeanie's home in Missouri. It was a dream come true. I spent ten whole days out there with Lizbeth and had an amazing time. It was so different from the city life and I took in every second. We did so many fun things and even spent time on the deck just chattin about life and boy did we laugh! It is a very different lifestyle. I was able to meet a lot of people and I seen some beautiful , historical buildings. Lizbeth and I even left our mark in the town square! We were able to make our hand prints in cement in the town square. It was a much needed vacation and I enjoyed every minute. Jeanie was a very gracious host and we had our own rooms and she went out of her way to make us feel like her home was truly our home too! It's ironic that I posted a blog about going to the country and never knew it was going to happen. Dreams do come true. I got to meet Renee the mommy to Georgie the foal. I even was able to feed them grain a pet them while they ate. We went to so many thrift stores and even some really cool gift stores. One of the stores was 35,000 sq. feet of beautiful things for sale. It would take half the day or more to really soak in all they had. I was able to purchase a treasure. Well, to me it was my treasure. A perfect paper towel holder for my kitchen! I love it and was so excited to get it home. Next time I visit I'm packing light so I can bring my little treasures home. I asked Danny if I could go back in August and he said yes if it works out in the budget. I'm so excited!!! It feels great to be blogging again. p.s. this picture is Carthage City Hall.

I would like to go to the country...

I would like to go to the country. I have always wanted to stay in a farm house and sit on the big porch and just listen. Nature is an amazing gift for all of us to enjoy yet we take for granted what lies before our eyes. To busy to stop and smell the roses? Maybe nature isn't your thing and there is something else you enjoy doing but just don't. I say make the time! It's imperative that we do the things we really want to do for you! Live a dream or two that you've always had. Go the extra mile and just do it! We are lucky to have the beautiful things we see on a daily basis. More importantly than this is to not hold hate in your heart. I know people always say that but what good does it really do? How some get pleasure pissing people off I'll never understand. Then again many things on this earth are here and I will never understand. I do know right from wrong and that's a good thing. I also know when I get negative. I don't like to admit it but it's true. If I'm going to be honest then I have to let some pride go. Truth be told, there are times when I take a ride on the insecurity boat but who doesn't? There are those days you just feel ugly, maybe not literal but in other ways, about different topics. What sparked this topic for me was learning a new lesson. I'm always learning things all the time. Even if I don't want to I'm learning. Be nice to each other and then again there are those who make it impossible to get along with. What can I say it's human nature. All you can do is try and if you try consistently, eventually you will succeed!

Just me....

I have to say that when coming out of depression it goes the opposite sometimes. What I mean is when you're depressed you are sad and blue and it seems it will never change. The world as you know it came to a complete halt! Then the gross feelings slowly fade out and in comes laughter. What a trip! I've been so down lately. I don't know if anyone else sees the sign of depression in their own face. I know right away if I'm depressed. I see it in my eyes. The good ole saying " the eyes don't lie". Well, that's me. That seems to be my confirmation that what I'm feeling inside is showing on the outside. Why it comes at such a surprise to me I haven't figured out yet. It's like ...HELLO!!! you have depression! Why are you thinking your cured??? My answer? I don't know. What I do know is I'm not different from anyone else although there are days when I feel like an alien. We all have something medical or non-medical that goes on with us. The difference is most people won't admit it. What's to hide? It's part of life and quite interesting if you ask me. If you think back to when you were a child and the events or stories that made the news. In my time which would be late 70'2 early 80's, we didn't have anything close to what kids have today. Things were a lot safer. Now it's present time and all hell is breaking loose. Always, always bad and sad news. One day I will be a Senior with all kinds of stories for my new friends and my grandchildren. So, writing and telling is history in the making. If not for you for my kids. peace out, Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day *60*

Well the day is here!!! Day number 60, sixty, the big six 0!!! I had a few of the days combined but all in all I did it. I finished!!! Maybe not a big surprise to some but to me a HUGE accomplishment! I was even under the weather today and I still managed to finish this journey. I'm proud of myself. I wish my mom were here to read all about the things I blogged about. Who knows maybe there's a window in heaven she can peek out of that she can see me typing. Whatever the case I did it! I did some things today being it is the twins 21st birthday today. How ironic that I finish this on the day of their 21st birthday. I went bowling with Dustin and Raquel and Kylee and Alicia showed up a little later. We all played some games and Kylee won a ton of tickets that Alicia claimed the prize for. Hah, she got a sponge Bob lunch pail! We had a good time despite the fact that Dustin had to leave early to go to school but, we had a late lunch and then he headed back to Orange County. Poor guy, Dustin called me when he got to school and said he made it on time but class was canceled! What a bummer because he could of stayed out here and went to the movies. Oh well it was better that he took care of his responsibilities first. It was a good day. So, do I continue to blog or do I just stop? I don't think I'll stop but I think I will only blog when I feel like I need to get things out or if something really significant happens in my life.

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 51,52,53,54,55,56,57,58,59

It seems my "Because I never finish anything I start" was beginning to look like something I set out NOT to do, and that was finish! My intentions of this whole project was to finish and I will. I have had so many road blocks and speed bumps and peaks and valleys it's to much to post. Would anyone really even care if I did post it? I, as all of you may have is wrenches that get thrown into your everyday life. It just seems for me that those wrenches are a little harder to dodge sometimes. I have been having a lot of "Mom" moments and maybe a little depression. So much has been happening lately and I've been so busy that when the dust finally settled I got hit with a tsunami of depression! With the St. Patrick's Day party at the Senior Center and the drama that happened with that to the planning of the twins 21st birthday party to the pregnant dog ruining my screen to the list goes on and on. Will I get over it? Sure. Always do. It's really not the point though, it's just how can I try to be someone I'm not and think that I have to take on everyone's problems and solve them all by myself? It's not possible and I know this but as a MOM it is very difficult to not take on your child's ordeals. Maybe if it's not even anything to do with my kids it could be someone else and just when I think all is okay, it's not. Not by a long shot. I just get to involved without even knowing it. I talk with my husband and he wants to help with the way I feel and it just isn't possible. I try to explain my feelings and I get no where. I don't know what to do. I just have to keep telling myself that it will end and I will be Tina again soon but, when you have depression it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel has burned out and there's not a hardware store in the state to buy a new one. I don't even know if I'm making any sense. It doesn't even matter. I really got hit hard with this one and I have to admit it has been a long time since I've felt this way. Really bad timing!!! Life! What a gig. You never know if the audience is going to boo you or if they will love you. Kinda seems to me what life is like. Some days you are for the most part problem free and then there are the days your dodging tomatoes! I apologize if I disappointed any of you out there who have kept up on this blog. I disappointed myself more. I tried really hard to stay committed to this project and for the most part I have( I think ). I know I could of done better. Tomorrow will be my 60 day post and I hope I feel better. Pray for me. peace out ,Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 50

I need to get this off my chest because it has been on my mind for several days. When I started this 60 day adventure, I said I was going to do something for someone each day for 60 days. Some of you might feel I have not done that. You are not alone, I feel like I have not done as many things as I should. But then that brings me to my next point. If you have to tell all the things you do for people it means nothing. At least to me it means nothing. When you do something for anyone it should be from your heart and between you and God. The world doesn't need to know what I do for people only God needs to know because He's the one that truly knows your heart. This is not an attempt to quit my 60 day quest, I only have 10 days for crying out loud! I will continue what I've been doing for the last 49 days and you don't want to miss out on the St. Patrick's Day Party update and outcome! Do you? I just thought I'd clear up any questions you might or might not of had. Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue to do so. The Lord only knows what will type out of my head next! peace out, Tina