"Have a little FAITH"

I wish I could say I had more faith! Practice what you preach! Or don't tell someone " I'll pray for you" and then don't do it! I guess this letter would be to me. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of so many things, God just shakes His head at me. It's not that I don't mean it when I tell someone I will pray. I just never get that far. I have the best intentions in my heart, but I know that is NOT what God wants. Either you're in or you're out! No middle is His game! Live like you were me or suffer the consequences! That's what I'm afraid of. I'm going to pay when I get to heaven. Not in a punishment way, but as of now if I were to die today I would have a lot of "splain" to do! I guess the reality is that we don't get a trial run at what it is to go to Heaven. If that were the case maybe we would be a different world. Who knows.

The big and the small of it, If I chose to keep living the way I live and not follow Christ as close as I should than the "big" is don't cry when your rewards are small! I want Jesus to know that I want to obey Him. I want to live my life through Christ. I just feel like it's learning a foreign language. It's so easy it's hard! Makes no sense. I need to learn to pray and not just pray, but pray with my heart and soul. God, I know you know my heart and I feel like it's not good enough for you. So, if I feel that way then it must be true or I would feel otherwise. True? I wish I could speak to you face to face and you could hold me and comfort my worries. I know all I have to do is ask and I feel like I do that but it's not good enough. Maybe I expect an answer right away or I somehow missed what you were telling me. Whatever the case I want you to know that I love you more than anything! I want you, God, to know that I believe in you no matter what my thoughts try to do to me. I want to be a leader in someway. I want you to be proud of me! Tina.

So, I guess if you're listening to my brain or watching me type this you will know how much I need you and how much I love and thank you for everything you've ever done for me. I thank you for the three beautiful children you gave me and I hope I'll see the others that didn't make it to see the world. I know you have them in good hands and my mom will definitely help you. Mom if your sitting or standing with God watching me please know how much I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know. This is why I'm so scared. I feel like I'm being such a bad Christian that I won't be able to see you when it's my time. Please Jesus let me know, give me a sign of what you want from me. More importantly make sure when you send the message I know without a shadow of doubt it's you. Is it wrong to ask for that? Am I being stupid for wanting to know the obvious? I'm really that lost that I need you to really let me know it's YOUR will and to hear it loud and clear!

Well, that's all for now. I hope I made my questions answerable. I really am clueless and I need YOU! Please Lord be there for me and watch over me and my family. Give me the strength and the ears to hear when you speak to me. I thank you for everything and I don't want to screw things up. I know I'm not perfect but I'm not making a good impression of you either. So, Lord help me to be strong and to do the right thing always. I will stumble but please be there to pick me up. I love you with all you have given me. Mom, I love you and God willing will see you again. If I haven't said it enough I will say it again, Mom, I Tina am truly sorry for all the moments that I took from you. I took happy away from you. I wish I wasn't your worst nightmare. I know not all the time but enough times that I don't even have to think. They are all at the top of my brain. I need to learn how to forgive myself! God please help me with that. Your Daughter, Tina L. Flores Gonzales

My Holiday!!!

Christmas is my all time favorite holiday! Not only does it bring out the
giving in me/us (hopefully), it makes me happy! There are so many things to be
thankful for and In my case I don't give credit where credit is due. Jesus is the one and only person I can say Thank you to. He has all control,. I have none! We don't have any control. You might think you do, but ultimately it's up to Him.There are people that I would love to have here to celebrate this amazing gift, but if that's what He chose to do then that's what He chose to do. I know my mom is looking down and smiling! She's going to be even happier when she see's all of us together for the first time in 10 years!!! I hope she'll be smiling for days. We all needed to get together because we are family! I can't imagine me dying and my kids just going in their own direction. That is my worst fear, is they won't stick together and realize how IMPORTANT your siblings are!!! Mo, Dutin, and Kyle this is for your eyes to read. I love all you guys so much and I don't EVER want you guys to separate!!! I will not be happy, and you can't be sad in Heaven, so trust me on this one! I'm so excited for Christmas but I don't want it to come too fast. The family needs to be more close for it to be exactly like I want it. As your mother, a.k.a.,Ma /I want nothing but happiness for all three of you. Life is not perfect, and to say the old cliche "I want nothing but happiness for you" can't and won't always be possible. Hence the word "life" and struggle and heartaches and breaks. You will wonder why things are so bad, and how did it get this far? Why didn't I see this coming, and God forbid sin itself. You are ALL human, and not, nor never will be perfect! Be great people. Treat eachother with respect and love. At least make it look like I taught you guys something. I want to see all of you doing something you wanted for you! Don't ever give up!!! It's worth the fight. I'm living proof that you can have happiness after crap! Danny has been the one stable person in my life that has done nothing but loved me for me! Imagine that! I know I didn't see that coming. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT SETTLE!!! You all are worth so much and don't ever settle for a bad job or relationship. I don't care how much seniority you have invested in the company OR the relationship. It's not worth it to be unhappy in a tough world like this one. Believe that God will take you and carry you through those times when you think that this is just absolutly impossible. Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE with God! My love for the three of you and Danny can not always be expressed through verbal words and I always seem to say it like I want when I write. So, this is your mother telling all of you that if it wasn't for all four of you in my life I would never be the woman I am today! Thank you guys for mothering me when I needed it the most! I KNOW ALL I have put you guys through. I don't or won't forget the damage I've done to you guys. I have forgiven myself as God has forgiven me. Do I feel better? No! I have a lot of guilt but none the less I am your Ma. Do not follow my footsteps. Create a whole new and exciting path for yourselves! Make yourselves proud! I will always be watching no matter where I am. I will treasure moments, and I do lock precious moments away forever to take with me. Here's an example of one I actually have locked away, when I see all three of my kids getting along and laughing my heart melts. You guys probably didn't know that but you do now. Simple pleasures of watching you guys with your different personalities. ALL of you know how to make me laugh! I love that you got that from Muah!!!HAH! Mo, Dutin, & Kyle as your ma I want you to know you are the pillars I stand on and without a fourth ( which would be Danny ) cause I could'nt stand with just three, you have made me one proud mama! I love you here and beyond and if there was another word for how much you all mean to mean it would be that word! I love you all. Peace, your Ma/wife

Decmeber 7, 2010 Today is one of those days where I'm just falling apart inside. I feel like I'm the only person on the planet lonely and in pain. I have worries of up coming medical tests and kids and my husband and the shedding dogs and just my general depression. Depression is at times more frightening than something on the outside you can see. You can't see depression you just feel it. I wish I had my mom here with me to talk to and to tell me everything was going to be ok.

Interesting analogy from another blog

I was reading another blog and what she said had made a lot of sense to me. She talked about how the city and state and or community you live in could have an affect on your lifestyle. As I went to sleep last night I thought about this for a while and came up with the conclusion she's right! At least for me this holds true. In Moreno Valley it's not a booming city with lots to do or big corporations or big malls with high end stores. It's a small city with not much to do or offer. This is my opinion but I'm guessing if I took a poll people would agree with me.
So, I look at what's around and just off the top of my head I see homeless people and foreclosure signs and lots of damaged empty homes. It's not a bad city but it could be a reason for some of the depression and boredom people go through. I know for a fact it's the reason kids are experimenting with alcohol and drugs. Even adults, I know all they do on weekends and during the week is drink! Why? Lack of other things to do. You have to drive to another city to be able to go and do something a little more entertaining.
It could just be me but I think it has a lot to do with crime and other bad things. Don't get me wrong our economy has a lot to do with the foreclosure signs and homeless people. I wonder as a community if there isn't something we all can't do to make things better. A more prosperous city? I don't even know where to go to talk to someone about this. City hall? Don't you have to know what you're talking about before they talk to you?
All I know is I have three young adult children and they all say the same thing. "There's nothing in Moreno Valley to succeed". To me that speaks volumes! I'm glad I was able to get this off my chest. It makes me feel like I do know and I am aware of my surroundings. I hope someone reads this and knows a solution or a suggestion. One more thing. The people I know personally that have a good paying job have to drive at least a one to two hour "one way" drive to have a decent job.
Regards, Tina

Just want to talk

There are the days that you have things on your mind and no one to talk to. So, I'm going to type my thoughts out. I have been a little depressed lately. Probably the holidays and not having my mom around to share them with, or just because I have depression! It's one or the other or both. I am thankful for so many things yet at times I hear my brain saying "I just want to die". Is that normal? Is my faith in Jesus lacking? These thoughts are often, and have been happening for years. I mention to my husband and he says you talk about it so much God's going to make you live to be 100 years old!!! The thing is, do I really want to die? I'm not afraid of death (pain maybe) but not death. I want to be with my mom and the rest of the family that has passed but I also have my kids and my husband that I love and need to be with. I need to choose my words carefully. I don't want it to sound like I don't want to be here for my kids or husband. The emptiness that I live with day in and day out is pain staking. No one would know by looking at me that on the inside I'm hollow as a shell! No feeling, no emotions, and no happiness. Just lonliness. Christmas is my favorite holiday because it seems to be the one that I get a little glimmer of happiness through my kids eyes while there opening their presents and we all get to be together. I love it! I wish there were more days like that where I had more glimmer and shimmer then dimmer. Maybe I just need to get on my knees more and talk to someone that can do something about it. As soon as that thought comes out, my brain says forget that one you're not worth it and He doesn't care anyway! I know that has to be Satan discouraging me from Jesus and he does fairly well for the most part. I pray for Jesus to give me strength to get over those thoughts and to be able to draw closer to Him. Lord you know my heart. Heal me and make me new and not broken. I've been broken to long and I'm tired. I feel like I have no more fight in me. Lord lift me up and take away the pain and emptiness in my heart and life. Give me a new heart and sound mind. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Just when you thought you were not even a thought...

Some days are kinda boring and then there are the ones that never seem to end. I was thinking about how many people I have in my life that I know love me and would be devastated if I were to leave earth. I was at the Sprint store up grading my phone and when I walked in this old man was coughing and choking. He just couldn't stop. I asked the sprint guy if they had any water in the back and he said "yes" but no cups! He also said that the man had already asked him for water. OMG, I was like are you kidding me this guy is having a coughing attack and needs water! I told him to take the next person in line and I would be right back. I went to Quizno's and bought a bottle of freakin water for the poor guy. He was very thankful. I just don't see how people can stand by and act like they don't hear the guy choking? So, it made me think of all the things that people do for each other, and not for each other whether it be a stranger or not. I can't count how many times I've witnessed someone doing something kind for another person. You might not think people don't see your kind gestures but they do. Something as simple as pushing the grocery cart back in place for them or holding open a door. It takes so little to put a smile on someones face. We all should be helping one another in this crazy world. Don't turn your back on someone that obviously needs your help. Don't be crazy, and approach people that look dangerous either, but you all have a good head on your shoulders and go with your gut. Going to more and more Dr. visits makes me wonder when my clock expires. I don't want to leave earth without helping as many people as I can. Pick a day of the week and tell yourself today I'm going to do something for someone, and then do it. I think we all have a "bucket list" and we could scratch off a few of those things by helping one another. Another thing, don't be in such a hurry. There are the days you wish you had a monster truck and you could mow down every slow car in front of you but why? I've learned and I'm still learning that maybe I'm avoiding a car accident or God is slowing me down for a reason. You never know. If your running late, you'll be late anyway so why rush? Take your time, put on a good radio station, listen to your favorite cd or i pod. Just slow down. Your heart rate and blood pressure will appreciate it, believe me! So, I guess for now that is it. I will take my meds and head to bed. Love & peace to all, Tina

Reality Check # 101 (The inevitable)

Well, here it is the truth about life through my eyes. So, we think a lot alike. It seems as though we take so much for granted. Maybe it's denial or maybe most just don't like thinking about it. By "it" I mean death. The reality of life. Some would say "why are you even thinking about it? Well, when you lose the person in your life that you can never get back and that person meant everything to you then you get it. At least in my experience that is what happened. I got reality checked! As kids we think our parents are going to live forever. It never crossed my mind. Although, that wouldn't be true because I remember crying when the thought of losing my mom would be terrifying. I also remember her telling me not to worry about that because she would say "It's okay,I'm not going anywhere." I still would hurt her feelings and act like a punk. In my mind when she said "don't worry", I somehow thought okay I won't worry. I just now thought, I wonder if I type in her name I could find her obituary notice. Well, not right off the bat. I decided to type in the name of the cemetery she's buried at and low and behold there she was and my Grandpa's just above her's. I cried. I know now, after the fact that I should of appreciated her way more than I showed. Now it's to late. Although, she still sends that hummingbird everyday letting me know "it's okay." Now I have a reality check, I went to the Doctor because of pain on my right side just under the right of my ribcage. They did an ultrasound of my liver, kidney and gall bladder. I knew something was there when I was getting the ultrasound.I pay attention to how long they scan the area and how many clicks she makes to mark something. Well low and behold I was right. I even told my mother in law she was in the liver area too long. They said they found two cysts in the lower right lobe of my liver. My mom died from liver cancer. A non-drinker a non-smoker, and she died of liver cancer. I shouldn't worry though? Yeah right, it scared the crap out of me and I got hit with a reality check! Big Time. The thought of not being here to see grandchildren and watch my own kids succeed, and be there for them is a lot terrifying! We all need to do that old saying, " Live today like it's your last." Do we ever? I confess I don't. My message would be don't put things off, always tell each other I love you. Don't let pride get in the way. If you fought with someone you loved and something happened before you could say sorry or make amends it would haunt you the rest of your life!!! These are just my thoughts. Leaving my family would be devastating! Not only to them but for me. I want them to know how much I love them and I will NEVER stop loving all three of my beautiful kids. Leaving Danny would be awful and just thinking about it makes it too sad. So, all four of you guys Ma loves you and Danny you are the best thing that EVER happened to me. Know that! Me