Just want to talk

There are the days that you have things on your mind and no one to talk to. So, I'm going to type my thoughts out. I have been a little depressed lately. Probably the holidays and not having my mom around to share them with, or just because I have depression! It's one or the other or both. I am thankful for so many things yet at times I hear my brain saying "I just want to die". Is that normal? Is my faith in Jesus lacking? These thoughts are often, and have been happening for years. I mention to my husband and he says you talk about it so much God's going to make you live to be 100 years old!!! The thing is, do I really want to die? I'm not afraid of death (pain maybe) but not death. I want to be with my mom and the rest of the family that has passed but I also have my kids and my husband that I love and need to be with. I need to choose my words carefully. I don't want it to sound like I don't want to be here for my kids or husband. The emptiness that I live with day in and day out is pain staking. No one would know by looking at me that on the inside I'm hollow as a shell! No feeling, no emotions, and no happiness. Just lonliness. Christmas is my favorite holiday because it seems to be the one that I get a little glimmer of happiness through my kids eyes while there opening their presents and we all get to be together. I love it! I wish there were more days like that where I had more glimmer and shimmer then dimmer. Maybe I just need to get on my knees more and talk to someone that can do something about it. As soon as that thought comes out, my brain says forget that one you're not worth it and He doesn't care anyway! I know that has to be Satan discouraging me from Jesus and he does fairly well for the most part. I pray for Jesus to give me strength to get over those thoughts and to be able to draw closer to Him. Lord you know my heart. Heal me and make me new and not broken. I've been broken to long and I'm tired. I feel like I have no more fight in me. Lord lift me up and take away the pain and emptiness in my heart and life. Give me a new heart and sound mind. In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Just when you thought you were not even a thought...

Some days are kinda boring and then there are the ones that never seem to end. I was thinking about how many people I have in my life that I know love me and would be devastated if I were to leave earth. I was at the Sprint store up grading my phone and when I walked in this old man was coughing and choking. He just couldn't stop. I asked the sprint guy if they had any water in the back and he said "yes" but no cups! He also said that the man had already asked him for water. OMG, I was like are you kidding me this guy is having a coughing attack and needs water! I told him to take the next person in line and I would be right back. I went to Quizno's and bought a bottle of freakin water for the poor guy. He was very thankful. I just don't see how people can stand by and act like they don't hear the guy choking? So, it made me think of all the things that people do for each other, and not for each other whether it be a stranger or not. I can't count how many times I've witnessed someone doing something kind for another person. You might not think people don't see your kind gestures but they do. Something as simple as pushing the grocery cart back in place for them or holding open a door. It takes so little to put a smile on someones face. We all should be helping one another in this crazy world. Don't turn your back on someone that obviously needs your help. Don't be crazy, and approach people that look dangerous either, but you all have a good head on your shoulders and go with your gut. Going to more and more Dr. visits makes me wonder when my clock expires. I don't want to leave earth without helping as many people as I can. Pick a day of the week and tell yourself today I'm going to do something for someone, and then do it. I think we all have a "bucket list" and we could scratch off a few of those things by helping one another. Another thing, don't be in such a hurry. There are the days you wish you had a monster truck and you could mow down every slow car in front of you but why? I've learned and I'm still learning that maybe I'm avoiding a car accident or God is slowing me down for a reason. You never know. If your running late, you'll be late anyway so why rush? Take your time, put on a good radio station, listen to your favorite cd or i pod. Just slow down. Your heart rate and blood pressure will appreciate it, believe me! So, I guess for now that is it. I will take my meds and head to bed. Love & peace to all, Tina

Reality Check # 101 (The inevitable)

Well, here it is the truth about life through my eyes. So, we think a lot alike. It seems as though we take so much for granted. Maybe it's denial or maybe most just don't like thinking about it. By "it" I mean death. The reality of life. Some would say "why are you even thinking about it? Well, when you lose the person in your life that you can never get back and that person meant everything to you then you get it. At least in my experience that is what happened. I got reality checked! As kids we think our parents are going to live forever. It never crossed my mind. Although, that wouldn't be true because I remember crying when the thought of losing my mom would be terrifying. I also remember her telling me not to worry about that because she would say "It's okay,I'm not going anywhere." I still would hurt her feelings and act like a punk. In my mind when she said "don't worry", I somehow thought okay I won't worry. I just now thought, I wonder if I type in her name I could find her obituary notice. Well, not right off the bat. I decided to type in the name of the cemetery she's buried at and low and behold there she was and my Grandpa's just above her's. I cried. I know now, after the fact that I should of appreciated her way more than I showed. Now it's to late. Although, she still sends that hummingbird everyday letting me know "it's okay." Now I have a reality check, I went to the Doctor because of pain on my right side just under the right of my ribcage. They did an ultrasound of my liver, kidney and gall bladder. I knew something was there when I was getting the ultrasound.I pay attention to how long they scan the area and how many clicks she makes to mark something. Well low and behold I was right. I even told my mother in law she was in the liver area too long. They said they found two cysts in the lower right lobe of my liver. My mom died from liver cancer. A non-drinker a non-smoker, and she died of liver cancer. I shouldn't worry though? Yeah right, it scared the crap out of me and I got hit with a reality check! Big Time. The thought of not being here to see grandchildren and watch my own kids succeed, and be there for them is a lot terrifying! We all need to do that old saying, " Live today like it's your last." Do we ever? I confess I don't. My message would be don't put things off, always tell each other I love you. Don't let pride get in the way. If you fought with someone you loved and something happened before you could say sorry or make amends it would haunt you the rest of your life!!! These are just my thoughts. Leaving my family would be devastating! Not only to them but for me. I want them to know how much I love them and I will NEVER stop loving all three of my beautiful kids. Leaving Danny would be awful and just thinking about it makes it too sad. So, all four of you guys Ma loves you and Danny you are the best thing that EVER happened to me. Know that! Me

The truths about life from my eyes...

The truths about life from my eyes is about what I see. I can only speak for myself and maybe someone thinks or feels the same way. It has been almost ten years since my mom passed away. August 23, 2010 will be 10 years. I seem to have a hard time every August since she passed. This 10 year anniversary seems to be one of the hardest for me. I don't know why but the anger I had when she first passed in August 2000 is back! I can't explain and it hurts to even express to anyone. So, I type to get it all out. I'm angry at the world right now and I don't like it. I'm feeling like my world inside has not been crushed but just plain been taken away. I have nothing but negativity inside and I don't feel those happy moments even a little bit. Not everyday should be such a battle from within. Here's the part where some may be asking, you're a Christian right? So, why don't you give it to God and let Him take this burden from you? It would be a whole lot easier if I didn't know who Jesus was and then I could really just be a wreck, but because I do it makes it that much harder. I'm angry! I want Him to come to me and make me better. I don't want to go to Him. He see's my pain why can't He just take it away? You see how stubborn I'm being? It is so hard right now and I just want to throw in the towel and give up. I don't want pity I want the pain to go away. Far, far away! I don't want to let anyone in and I wish I had a shell to crawl under to make things go away. I was born a person quite similar to my mom. I want to fix everyone's problems and make them happy. I'm finding out that it's what probably had something to do with her passing at 56 years of age. She took so much on and left nothing emotionally for herself. She was drained and it affected her from the inside out. I know I have a huge part in that by telling her all my problems in my first marriage. I called her for everything and told her everything. She was all I had and I didn't know any better. I had no one to go to but her. Or maybe I did but didn't know it at the time. I feel I had a part in her passing at such an early age. I thought I forgave myself for that but apparently I haven't. Like my mom I take on everyone's problems and try to fix them. It's not a conscience choice it's part of who I am. It seemed a lot easier to do when I was younger but now that I'm getting older I'm finding it wears me out and makes me want to just get out of this world. Which is probably what my mom thought. Not to say she wanted to die, she just wanted peace. I know now what she must of went through behind closed doors and the tears she must of shed not being able to help the ones in need, like me. Danny and I went to the Exit Concert put on by Diamond Bar Calvary Chapel for Chi from the Foo Fighters who's in a coma from a car accident. They put on a concert with different bands including P.O.D. I found it hard to even try and have a good time because of all the negativity in my body. It seemed I was angry even hearing people's testimonies. I thought why are you being glorified for doing drugs and being a prostitute while millions of people have worse struggles in their lives and they don't get to go on stage and have everyone clap at their disgusting life. Now I have to keep in mind that these people were testifying what they did before Christ. Yes, I understand but still the anger is there. It's like Lohan getting away with things the normal population would never get away with but yet because she's famous she gets treated with hand slaps. Time and time again you hear of famous people getting away with crimes we as the normal public would not have a prayer of getting away with. I find myself taking more meds than I need to. Not to harm myself to the extent of not waking up but to get out of these taunting thoughts. I probably am doing damage slowly to my body but the sickness of the feelings and the illness is that bad that I don't care. I should care I have 3 beautiful children that I'm sure don't want their mom to go anywhere soon but the thoughts are so strong I give into them every time. I wish I could feel better.

Missouri

Well, I got my wish! I went to the country and got to sit on that porch and listen to the birds and trees! I even was able to experience the fire flies! I went to Cousin Jeanie's home in Missouri. It was a dream come true. I spent ten whole days out there with Lizbeth and had an amazing time. It was so different from the city life and I took in every second. We did so many fun things and even spent time on the deck just chattin about life and boy did we laugh! It is a very different lifestyle. I was able to meet a lot of people and I seen some beautiful , historical buildings. Lizbeth and I even left our mark in the town square! We were able to make our hand prints in cement in the town square. It was a much needed vacation and I enjoyed every minute. Jeanie was a very gracious host and we had our own rooms and she went out of her way to make us feel like her home was truly our home too! It's ironic that I posted a blog about going to the country and never knew it was going to happen. Dreams do come true. I got to meet Renee the mommy to Georgie the foal. I even was able to feed them grain a pet them while they ate. We went to so many thrift stores and even some really cool gift stores. One of the stores was 35,000 sq. feet of beautiful things for sale. It would take half the day or more to really soak in all they had. I was able to purchase a treasure. Well, to me it was my treasure. A perfect paper towel holder for my kitchen! I love it and was so excited to get it home. Next time I visit I'm packing light so I can bring my little treasures home. I asked Danny if I could go back in August and he said yes if it works out in the budget. I'm so excited!!! It feels great to be blogging again. p.s. this picture is Carthage City Hall.

I would like to go to the country...

I would like to go to the country. I have always wanted to stay in a farm house and sit on the big porch and just listen. Nature is an amazing gift for all of us to enjoy yet we take for granted what lies before our eyes. To busy to stop and smell the roses? Maybe nature isn't your thing and there is something else you enjoy doing but just don't. I say make the time! It's imperative that we do the things we really want to do for you! Live a dream or two that you've always had. Go the extra mile and just do it! We are lucky to have the beautiful things we see on a daily basis. More importantly than this is to not hold hate in your heart. I know people always say that but what good does it really do? How some get pleasure pissing people off I'll never understand. Then again many things on this earth are here and I will never understand. I do know right from wrong and that's a good thing. I also know when I get negative. I don't like to admit it but it's true. If I'm going to be honest then I have to let some pride go. Truth be told, there are times when I take a ride on the insecurity boat but who doesn't? There are those days you just feel ugly, maybe not literal but in other ways, about different topics. What sparked this topic for me was learning a new lesson. I'm always learning things all the time. Even if I don't want to I'm learning. Be nice to each other and then again there are those who make it impossible to get along with. What can I say it's human nature. All you can do is try and if you try consistently, eventually you will succeed!

Just me....

I have to say that when coming out of depression it goes the opposite sometimes. What I mean is when you're depressed you are sad and blue and it seems it will never change. The world as you know it came to a complete halt! Then the gross feelings slowly fade out and in comes laughter. What a trip! I've been so down lately. I don't know if anyone else sees the sign of depression in their own face. I know right away if I'm depressed. I see it in my eyes. The good ole saying " the eyes don't lie". Well, that's me. That seems to be my confirmation that what I'm feeling inside is showing on the outside. Why it comes at such a surprise to me I haven't figured out yet. It's like ...HELLO!!! you have depression! Why are you thinking your cured??? My answer? I don't know. What I do know is I'm not different from anyone else although there are days when I feel like an alien. We all have something medical or non-medical that goes on with us. The difference is most people won't admit it. What's to hide? It's part of life and quite interesting if you ask me. If you think back to when you were a child and the events or stories that made the news. In my time which would be late 70'2 early 80's, we didn't have anything close to what kids have today. Things were a lot safer. Now it's present time and all hell is breaking loose. Always, always bad and sad news. One day I will be a Senior with all kinds of stories for my new friends and my grandchildren. So, writing and telling is history in the making. If not for you for my kids. peace out, Tina