" Motivation "

This word is what I lack in my life, motivation should be an easy thing to be able to get up and start the day. It's not an easy thing. I wish it was that easy. My kids want to do things, but I just want to do nothing and try and work my way back to the bed without anyone giving me grief. Not that anyone really does, it's just that I feel bad not functoning like I should be able to. Medication changes got me this morning and I wake up way to late. I wake up so late it's already late morning, early afternoon. Nothing to be proud of. I feel like a bum. I want to have someone light a fire under my butt to get me going. How does that happen and how do you begin. I think I would physically need someone to pull me out of the bed and pull me out the door. I find myself cancelling appointments cause the thought of leaving the house is not what I want to do. I even have money in my wallet and that is usually a motivator for me, that's not even doing anything for me. That's how I know somethings not right. I want it to change. Today I want to be the start of a new day. Today is my day to go play bunco at the Senior Center like I do every Thursday. I've missed the last two Thursday's. I love going to the Senior Center and hanging out with all of them. I would look forward to that day to come up. What's wrong??? Someone give me an answer. I know what my Husband would say. We've already talked and he says we need to go back to Church. I agree, my brain doesn't. It was better when we were going to Church. I will check back in after Sunday to let you know how it worked, or if it worked.

" WHAT'S WRONG"

So, you want to know what is wrong with me??? Let's see if I can put it into words you probably won't understand. I live with brain and body "zaps" everyday. How long??? Don't remember last time I didn't have them. I feel bad everyday because I'm not the "housewife" you would like. Your subtle hints can be annoying. Just say it. You make me feel like I'm a dirty person and I look like a piece of crap in your eyes. I feel like that on my own. I know my wifely duties. I may appear to look stupid sometimes, but I'm not.
Medically speaking, I believe that the medications I take simply haven't or are not working . This would explain my crappy sleeping, my mood, my thoughts and my dreams that are constantly in play mode. I wish I was a better housekeeper. I think about what I'm going to clean the next day when I go to bed. Every night! The next morning is a different story. I'm so drained I don't even know how I function at times. I feel so hopeless and unworthy it hurts! both mentally and physically. I'm not asking you to understand it because I don't get half the things my brain comes up with. It's like living with something that dictates your mood, thoughts and actions. You have no control. It's hard to explain, I warned you.
I want so many things. I want to be the skinny wife you want to look at. I want to be a great housewife. I want to live sane and happy. I don't want to live with my brains crap, and being a parent and a wife with not knowing what the hell I'm doing half the time. I never have a quiet, idle mind and most of us don't have idle minds, but at least they can control their actions and not let the brain win.
The brain. If the brain is your "engine" for example, then nothing runs without it, right? If this "engine" determines what you see, feel and think then how am I supposed to operate when I don't know who's in charge! It should be me, but how do I know? I wing it. Sometimes this depression is mind disabling! It makes me think I'm losing it and at times it lets me be in control, (rare) but it does. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. No excuses either. This is who I am and I will probably be this way the rest of my life. I don't want to talk to the Dr. about anything. I refuse to be a guinea pig! I've done that gig to many years. I just accept it, and try to lay low. I have absolutely NO motivation. I do it so many times in my head that when the thought of physically doing it, wears me out. Crazy but true. It's the truth! I am on the computer for hours! Why? It's the one place my thoughts don't get to be on high volume. I can still have racing thoughts, but they're not consuming me, the computer is. It's a distraction so I can tune myself out.
Guilty? Very! I know the kids think I'm not paying attention to them when they talk to me when I'm on the computer. Does it make me feel like a piece of crap? Yes! I know what I feel like I need to do for me and for all of you , but it never gets there. My brain is strong like bull and stubborn like bull too! This I know. I just don't have the magic answers. I'm sorry for the way things are around here. I know it makes you upset to come home and things not be as you want them. I know you hate it when you walk in the door and just shake your head out of frustration because nothing was done. So, I get a F in housekeeping. An F in mothering and well, not an F in mothering maybe a B-. Bottom line is I don't have the answers please don't ask. This is who I am. Plain and simple. Whether I like it or not it's my make-up. So, now you know what was wrong.

"Have a little FAITH"

I wish I could say I had more faith! Practice what you preach! Or don't tell someone " I'll pray for you" and then don't do it! I guess this letter would be to me. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of so many things, God just shakes His head at me. It's not that I don't mean it when I tell someone I will pray. I just never get that far. I have the best intentions in my heart, but I know that is NOT what God wants. Either you're in or you're out! No middle is His game! Live like you were me or suffer the consequences! That's what I'm afraid of. I'm going to pay when I get to heaven. Not in a punishment way, but as of now if I were to die today I would have a lot of "splain" to do! I guess the reality is that we don't get a trial run at what it is to go to Heaven. If that were the case maybe we would be a different world. Who knows.

The big and the small of it, If I chose to keep living the way I live and not follow Christ as close as I should than the "big" is don't cry when your rewards are small! I want Jesus to know that I want to obey Him. I want to live my life through Christ. I just feel like it's learning a foreign language. It's so easy it's hard! Makes no sense. I need to learn to pray and not just pray, but pray with my heart and soul. God, I know you know my heart and I feel like it's not good enough for you. So, if I feel that way then it must be true or I would feel otherwise. True? I wish I could speak to you face to face and you could hold me and comfort my worries. I know all I have to do is ask and I feel like I do that but it's not good enough. Maybe I expect an answer right away or I somehow missed what you were telling me. Whatever the case I want you to know that I love you more than anything! I want you, God, to know that I believe in you no matter what my thoughts try to do to me. I want to be a leader in someway. I want you to be proud of me! Tina.

So, I guess if you're listening to my brain or watching me type this you will know how much I need you and how much I love and thank you for everything you've ever done for me. I thank you for the three beautiful children you gave me and I hope I'll see the others that didn't make it to see the world. I know you have them in good hands and my mom will definitely help you. Mom if your sitting or standing with God watching me please know how much I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know. This is why I'm so scared. I feel like I'm being such a bad Christian that I won't be able to see you when it's my time. Please Jesus let me know, give me a sign of what you want from me. More importantly make sure when you send the message I know without a shadow of doubt it's you. Is it wrong to ask for that? Am I being stupid for wanting to know the obvious? I'm really that lost that I need you to really let me know it's YOUR will and to hear it loud and clear!

Well, that's all for now. I hope I made my questions answerable. I really am clueless and I need YOU! Please Lord be there for me and watch over me and my family. Give me the strength and the ears to hear when you speak to me. I thank you for everything and I don't want to screw things up. I know I'm not perfect but I'm not making a good impression of you either. So, Lord help me to be strong and to do the right thing always. I will stumble but please be there to pick me up. I love you with all you have given me. Mom, I love you and God willing will see you again. If I haven't said it enough I will say it again, Mom, I Tina am truly sorry for all the moments that I took from you. I took happy away from you. I wish I wasn't your worst nightmare. I know not all the time but enough times that I don't even have to think. They are all at the top of my brain. I need to learn how to forgive myself! God please help me with that. Your Daughter, Tina L. Flores Gonzales

My Holiday!!!

Christmas is my all time favorite holiday! Not only does it bring out the
giving in me/us (hopefully), it makes me happy! There are so many things to be
thankful for and In my case I don't give credit where credit is due. Jesus is the one and only person I can say Thank you to. He has all control,. I have none! We don't have any control. You might think you do, but ultimately it's up to Him.There are people that I would love to have here to celebrate this amazing gift, but if that's what He chose to do then that's what He chose to do. I know my mom is looking down and smiling! She's going to be even happier when she see's all of us together for the first time in 10 years!!! I hope she'll be smiling for days. We all needed to get together because we are family! I can't imagine me dying and my kids just going in their own direction. That is my worst fear, is they won't stick together and realize how IMPORTANT your siblings are!!! Mo, Dutin, and Kyle this is for your eyes to read. I love all you guys so much and I don't EVER want you guys to separate!!! I will not be happy, and you can't be sad in Heaven, so trust me on this one! I'm so excited for Christmas but I don't want it to come too fast. The family needs to be more close for it to be exactly like I want it. As your mother, a.k.a.,Ma /I want nothing but happiness for all three of you. Life is not perfect, and to say the old cliche "I want nothing but happiness for you" can't and won't always be possible. Hence the word "life" and struggle and heartaches and breaks. You will wonder why things are so bad, and how did it get this far? Why didn't I see this coming, and God forbid sin itself. You are ALL human, and not, nor never will be perfect! Be great people. Treat eachother with respect and love. At least make it look like I taught you guys something. I want to see all of you doing something you wanted for you! Don't ever give up!!! It's worth the fight. I'm living proof that you can have happiness after crap! Danny has been the one stable person in my life that has done nothing but loved me for me! Imagine that! I know I didn't see that coming. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT SETTLE!!! You all are worth so much and don't ever settle for a bad job or relationship. I don't care how much seniority you have invested in the company OR the relationship. It's not worth it to be unhappy in a tough world like this one. Believe that God will take you and carry you through those times when you think that this is just absolutly impossible. Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE with God! My love for the three of you and Danny can not always be expressed through verbal words and I always seem to say it like I want when I write. So, this is your mother telling all of you that if it wasn't for all four of you in my life I would never be the woman I am today! Thank you guys for mothering me when I needed it the most! I KNOW ALL I have put you guys through. I don't or won't forget the damage I've done to you guys. I have forgiven myself as God has forgiven me. Do I feel better? No! I have a lot of guilt but none the less I am your Ma. Do not follow my footsteps. Create a whole new and exciting path for yourselves! Make yourselves proud! I will always be watching no matter where I am. I will treasure moments, and I do lock precious moments away forever to take with me. Here's an example of one I actually have locked away, when I see all three of my kids getting along and laughing my heart melts. You guys probably didn't know that but you do now. Simple pleasures of watching you guys with your different personalities. ALL of you know how to make me laugh! I love that you got that from Muah!!!HAH! Mo, Dutin, & Kyle as your ma I want you to know you are the pillars I stand on and without a fourth ( which would be Danny ) cause I could'nt stand with just three, you have made me one proud mama! I love you here and beyond and if there was another word for how much you all mean to mean it would be that word! I love you all. Peace, your Ma/wife

Decmeber 7, 2010 Today is one of those days where I'm just falling apart inside. I feel like I'm the only person on the planet lonely and in pain. I have worries of up coming medical tests and kids and my husband and the shedding dogs and just my general depression. Depression is at times more frightening than something on the outside you can see. You can't see depression you just feel it. I wish I had my mom here with me to talk to and to tell me everything was going to be ok.

Interesting analogy from another blog

I was reading another blog and what she said had made a lot of sense to me. She talked about how the city and state and or community you live in could have an affect on your lifestyle. As I went to sleep last night I thought about this for a while and came up with the conclusion she's right! At least for me this holds true. In Moreno Valley it's not a booming city with lots to do or big corporations or big malls with high end stores. It's a small city with not much to do or offer. This is my opinion but I'm guessing if I took a poll people would agree with me.
So, I look at what's around and just off the top of my head I see homeless people and foreclosure signs and lots of damaged empty homes. It's not a bad city but it could be a reason for some of the depression and boredom people go through. I know for a fact it's the reason kids are experimenting with alcohol and drugs. Even adults, I know all they do on weekends and during the week is drink! Why? Lack of other things to do. You have to drive to another city to be able to go and do something a little more entertaining.
It could just be me but I think it has a lot to do with crime and other bad things. Don't get me wrong our economy has a lot to do with the foreclosure signs and homeless people. I wonder as a community if there isn't something we all can't do to make things better. A more prosperous city? I don't even know where to go to talk to someone about this. City hall? Don't you have to know what you're talking about before they talk to you?
All I know is I have three young adult children and they all say the same thing. "There's nothing in Moreno Valley to succeed". To me that speaks volumes! I'm glad I was able to get this off my chest. It makes me feel like I do know and I am aware of my surroundings. I hope someone reads this and knows a solution or a suggestion. One more thing. The people I know personally that have a good paying job have to drive at least a one to two hour "one way" drive to have a decent job.
Regards, Tina

Just want to talk

There are the days that you have things on your mind and no one to talk to. So, I'm going to type my thoughts out. I have been a little depressed lately. Probably the holidays and not having my mom around to share them with, or just because I have depression! It's one or the other or both. I am thankful for so many things yet at times I hear my brain saying "I just want to die". Is that normal? Is my faith in Jesus lacking? These thoughts are often, and have been happening for years. I mention to my husband and he says you talk about it so much God's going to make you live to be 100 years old!!! The thing is, do I really want to die? I'm not afraid of death (pain maybe) but not death. I want to be with my mom and the rest of the family that has passed but I also have my kids and my husband that I love and need to be with. I need to choose my words carefully. I don't want it to sound like I don't want to be here for my kids or husband. The emptiness that I live with day in and day out is pain staking. No one would know by looking at me that on the inside I'm hollow as a shell! No feeling, no emotions, and no happiness. Just lonliness. Christmas is my favorite holiday because it seems to be the one that I get a little glimmer of happiness through my kids eyes while there opening their presents and we all get to be together. I love it! I wish there were more days like that where I had more glimmer and shimmer then dimmer. Maybe I just need to get on my knees more and talk to someone that can do something about it. As soon as that thought comes out, my brain says forget that one you're not worth it and He doesn't care anyway! I know that has to be Satan discouraging me from Jesus and he does fairly well for the most part. I pray for Jesus to give me strength to get over those thoughts and to be able to draw closer to Him. Lord you know my heart. Heal me and make me new and not broken. I've been broken to long and I'm tired. I feel like I have no more fight in me. Lord lift me up and take away the pain and emptiness in my heart and life. Give me a new heart and sound mind. In Jesus name I pray, Amen