The truths about life from my eyes...

The truths about life from my eyes is about what I see. I can only speak for myself and maybe someone thinks or feels the same way. It has been almost ten years since my mom passed away. August 23, 2010 will be 10 years. I seem to have a hard time every August since she passed. This 10 year anniversary seems to be one of the hardest for me. I don't know why but the anger I had when she first passed in August 2000 is back! I can't explain and it hurts to even express to anyone. So, I type to get it all out. I'm angry at the world right now and I don't like it. I'm feeling like my world inside has not been crushed but just plain been taken away. I have nothing but negativity inside and I don't feel those happy moments even a little bit. Not everyday should be such a battle from within. Here's the part where some may be asking, you're a Christian right? So, why don't you give it to God and let Him take this burden from you? It would be a whole lot easier if I didn't know who Jesus was and then I could really just be a wreck, but because I do it makes it that much harder. I'm angry! I want Him to come to me and make me better. I don't want to go to Him. He see's my pain why can't He just take it away? You see how stubborn I'm being? It is so hard right now and I just want to throw in the towel and give up. I don't want pity I want the pain to go away. Far, far away! I don't want to let anyone in and I wish I had a shell to crawl under to make things go away. I was born a person quite similar to my mom. I want to fix everyone's problems and make them happy. I'm finding out that it's what probably had something to do with her passing at 56 years of age. She took so much on and left nothing emotionally for herself. She was drained and it affected her from the inside out. I know I have a huge part in that by telling her all my problems in my first marriage. I called her for everything and told her everything. She was all I had and I didn't know any better. I had no one to go to but her. Or maybe I did but didn't know it at the time. I feel I had a part in her passing at such an early age. I thought I forgave myself for that but apparently I haven't. Like my mom I take on everyone's problems and try to fix them. It's not a conscience choice it's part of who I am. It seemed a lot easier to do when I was younger but now that I'm getting older I'm finding it wears me out and makes me want to just get out of this world. Which is probably what my mom thought. Not to say she wanted to die, she just wanted peace. I know now what she must of went through behind closed doors and the tears she must of shed not being able to help the ones in need, like me. Danny and I went to the Exit Concert put on by Diamond Bar Calvary Chapel for Chi from the Foo Fighters who's in a coma from a car accident. They put on a concert with different bands including P.O.D. I found it hard to even try and have a good time because of all the negativity in my body. It seemed I was angry even hearing people's testimonies. I thought why are you being glorified for doing drugs and being a prostitute while millions of people have worse struggles in their lives and they don't get to go on stage and have everyone clap at their disgusting life. Now I have to keep in mind that these people were testifying what they did before Christ. Yes, I understand but still the anger is there. It's like Lohan getting away with things the normal population would never get away with but yet because she's famous she gets treated with hand slaps. Time and time again you hear of famous people getting away with crimes we as the normal public would not have a prayer of getting away with. I find myself taking more meds than I need to. Not to harm myself to the extent of not waking up but to get out of these taunting thoughts. I probably am doing damage slowly to my body but the sickness of the feelings and the illness is that bad that I don't care. I should care I have 3 beautiful children that I'm sure don't want their mom to go anywhere soon but the thoughts are so strong I give into them every time. I wish I could feel better.