"Have a little FAITH"

I wish I could say I had more faith! Practice what you preach! Or don't tell someone " I'll pray for you" and then don't do it! I guess this letter would be to me. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of so many things, God just shakes His head at me. It's not that I don't mean it when I tell someone I will pray. I just never get that far. I have the best intentions in my heart, but I know that is NOT what God wants. Either you're in or you're out! No middle is His game! Live like you were me or suffer the consequences! That's what I'm afraid of. I'm going to pay when I get to heaven. Not in a punishment way, but as of now if I were to die today I would have a lot of "splain" to do! I guess the reality is that we don't get a trial run at what it is to go to Heaven. If that were the case maybe we would be a different world. Who knows.

The big and the small of it, If I chose to keep living the way I live and not follow Christ as close as I should than the "big" is don't cry when your rewards are small! I want Jesus to know that I want to obey Him. I want to live my life through Christ. I just feel like it's learning a foreign language. It's so easy it's hard! Makes no sense. I need to learn to pray and not just pray, but pray with my heart and soul. God, I know you know my heart and I feel like it's not good enough for you. So, if I feel that way then it must be true or I would feel otherwise. True? I wish I could speak to you face to face and you could hold me and comfort my worries. I know all I have to do is ask and I feel like I do that but it's not good enough. Maybe I expect an answer right away or I somehow missed what you were telling me. Whatever the case I want you to know that I love you more than anything! I want you, God, to know that I believe in you no matter what my thoughts try to do to me. I want to be a leader in someway. I want you to be proud of me! Tina.

So, I guess if you're listening to my brain or watching me type this you will know how much I need you and how much I love and thank you for everything you've ever done for me. I thank you for the three beautiful children you gave me and I hope I'll see the others that didn't make it to see the world. I know you have them in good hands and my mom will definitely help you. Mom if your sitting or standing with God watching me please know how much I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know. This is why I'm so scared. I feel like I'm being such a bad Christian that I won't be able to see you when it's my time. Please Jesus let me know, give me a sign of what you want from me. More importantly make sure when you send the message I know without a shadow of doubt it's you. Is it wrong to ask for that? Am I being stupid for wanting to know the obvious? I'm really that lost that I need you to really let me know it's YOUR will and to hear it loud and clear!

Well, that's all for now. I hope I made my questions answerable. I really am clueless and I need YOU! Please Lord be there for me and watch over me and my family. Give me the strength and the ears to hear when you speak to me. I thank you for everything and I don't want to screw things up. I know I'm not perfect but I'm not making a good impression of you either. So, Lord help me to be strong and to do the right thing always. I will stumble but please be there to pick me up. I love you with all you have given me. Mom, I love you and God willing will see you again. If I haven't said it enough I will say it again, Mom, I Tina am truly sorry for all the moments that I took from you. I took happy away from you. I wish I wasn't your worst nightmare. I know not all the time but enough times that I don't even have to think. They are all at the top of my brain. I need to learn how to forgive myself! God please help me with that. Your Daughter, Tina L. Flores Gonzales

My Holiday!!!

Christmas is my all time favorite holiday! Not only does it bring out the
giving in me/us (hopefully), it makes me happy! There are so many things to be
thankful for and In my case I don't give credit where credit is due. Jesus is the one and only person I can say Thank you to. He has all control,. I have none! We don't have any control. You might think you do, but ultimately it's up to Him.There are people that I would love to have here to celebrate this amazing gift, but if that's what He chose to do then that's what He chose to do. I know my mom is looking down and smiling! She's going to be even happier when she see's all of us together for the first time in 10 years!!! I hope she'll be smiling for days. We all needed to get together because we are family! I can't imagine me dying and my kids just going in their own direction. That is my worst fear, is they won't stick together and realize how IMPORTANT your siblings are!!! Mo, Dutin, and Kyle this is for your eyes to read. I love all you guys so much and I don't EVER want you guys to separate!!! I will not be happy, and you can't be sad in Heaven, so trust me on this one! I'm so excited for Christmas but I don't want it to come too fast. The family needs to be more close for it to be exactly like I want it. As your mother, a.k.a.,Ma /I want nothing but happiness for all three of you. Life is not perfect, and to say the old cliche "I want nothing but happiness for you" can't and won't always be possible. Hence the word "life" and struggle and heartaches and breaks. You will wonder why things are so bad, and how did it get this far? Why didn't I see this coming, and God forbid sin itself. You are ALL human, and not, nor never will be perfect! Be great people. Treat eachother with respect and love. At least make it look like I taught you guys something. I want to see all of you doing something you wanted for you! Don't ever give up!!! It's worth the fight. I'm living proof that you can have happiness after crap! Danny has been the one stable person in my life that has done nothing but loved me for me! Imagine that! I know I didn't see that coming. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT SETTLE!!! You all are worth so much and don't ever settle for a bad job or relationship. I don't care how much seniority you have invested in the company OR the relationship. It's not worth it to be unhappy in a tough world like this one. Believe that God will take you and carry you through those times when you think that this is just absolutly impossible. Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE with God! My love for the three of you and Danny can not always be expressed through verbal words and I always seem to say it like I want when I write. So, this is your mother telling all of you that if it wasn't for all four of you in my life I would never be the woman I am today! Thank you guys for mothering me when I needed it the most! I KNOW ALL I have put you guys through. I don't or won't forget the damage I've done to you guys. I have forgiven myself as God has forgiven me. Do I feel better? No! I have a lot of guilt but none the less I am your Ma. Do not follow my footsteps. Create a whole new and exciting path for yourselves! Make yourselves proud! I will always be watching no matter where I am. I will treasure moments, and I do lock precious moments away forever to take with me. Here's an example of one I actually have locked away, when I see all three of my kids getting along and laughing my heart melts. You guys probably didn't know that but you do now. Simple pleasures of watching you guys with your different personalities. ALL of you know how to make me laugh! I love that you got that from Muah!!!HAH! Mo, Dutin, & Kyle as your ma I want you to know you are the pillars I stand on and without a fourth ( which would be Danny ) cause I could'nt stand with just three, you have made me one proud mama! I love you here and beyond and if there was another word for how much you all mean to mean it would be that word! I love you all. Peace, your Ma/wife

Decmeber 7, 2010 Today is one of those days where I'm just falling apart inside. I feel like I'm the only person on the planet lonely and in pain. I have worries of up coming medical tests and kids and my husband and the shedding dogs and just my general depression. Depression is at times more frightening than something on the outside you can see. You can't see depression you just feel it. I wish I had my mom here with me to talk to and to tell me everything was going to be ok.