Just want to talk

There are the days that you have things on your mind and no one to talk to. So, I'm going to type my thoughts out. I have been a little depressed lately. Probably the holidays and not having my mom around to share them with, or just because I have depression! It's one or the other or both. I am thankful for so many things yet at times I hear my brain saying "I just want to die". Is that normal? Is my faith in Jesus lacking? These thoughts are often, and have been happening for years. I mention to my husband and he says you talk about it so much God's going to make you live to be 100 years old!!! The thing is, do I really want to die? I'm not afraid of death (pain maybe) but not death. I want to be with my mom and the rest of the family that has passed but I also have my kids and my husband that I love and need to be with. I need to choose my words carefully. I don't want it to sound like I don't want to be here for my kids or husband. The emptiness that I live with day in and day out is pain staking. No one would know by looking at me that on the inside I'm hollow as a shell! No feeling, no emotions, and no happiness. Just lonliness. Christmas is my favorite holiday because it seems to be the one that I get a little glimmer of happiness through my kids eyes while there opening their presents and we all get to be together. I love it! I wish there were more days like that where I had more glimmer and shimmer then dimmer. Maybe I just need to get on my knees more and talk to someone that can do something about it. As soon as that thought comes out, my brain says forget that one you're not worth it and He doesn't care anyway! I know that has to be Satan discouraging me from Jesus and he does fairly well for the most part. I pray for Jesus to give me strength to get over those thoughts and to be able to draw closer to Him. Lord you know my heart. Heal me and make me new and not broken. I've been broken to long and I'm tired. I feel like I have no more fight in me. Lord lift me up and take away the pain and emptiness in my heart and life. Give me a new heart and sound mind. In Jesus name I pray, Amen