When you lose someone. I don't mean there lost and you can't find them! I'm saying when you lose someone you love. When my mom passed on August 23, 2000 it was the worst day of my life. It was a shock when we first found out she had cancer. It was on my birthday which I shared with my Grandpa. My mom's father. We were in Orange County by the orange circle at a restaurant. I was sitting on her lap getting ready to take a picture and she asked if I thought the whites of her eyes looked yellow. I could see that they were very yellow but it seemed denial quickly set in and I said it's probably nothing but get it checked. She, looking back was distracted and not herself although she was good at not making a fuss. It wasn't
to long after that she went to the E.R. only to be told that is was probably hepatitis. She wasn't convinced. Now her skin was beginning to look very tan but in a weird way. So, she went to U.C.I. and was finally diagnosed with a rare liver cancer which totally explains the jaundice that was consuming her body. Her liver was shutting down. The Doctor explained that he would do surgery but not to get our hopes up. The day of surgery was a nightmare in itself. We were told it was going to be a very long, time consuming procedure and not to expect any news for a while but he would try to send out a nurse for updates. The whole family was there in the waiting room not really saying to much if I remember correctly. Lots of praying and then the my heart stopped. The doctor came out within a couple of hours instead of 11 or 12 hours and it was not a nurse he sent out it was him! My knees went weak and I fell to the floor. He said it was very bad and it was a very large mass in her liver and had very little hope it could be operated on. So, we were asked the unforgettable question. Do you want me to proceed and do what I can or do you want me to close up and see what happens? I don't think any of us hesitated and we all said operate, do what you can to try and save our mom. Surgery went on for what seemed to be forever. After several hours and some positive updates it was finally over and we were able to see her briefly. It was so hard to see the person I thought would live forever, and never for a second did I imagine my life without her. I took her for granted, thinking mom's don't die or at least my mom could not. As a child and a adult I always told her you can not die and if you ever did they better make it a double casket cause I'm coming with you! It seemed absolutely impossible for my mom to not see her children grow and her grandchildren blossom. Our youngest sister was still in her teens and the rest of us were adults with children except for our brother. Our mom did some chemo and I'm not sure but I think some radiation and no medications and was given a very poor prognosis. She however was very confident that whatever was to be that it was in God's hands and His will is what she was going to go by. We on the other hand were terrified that it was just a matter of months that we had left with her. But, through God's grace He gave us 3 years more with our mom and she was nicknamed by her surgeon his miracle patient! He had never in his career seen a patient with her type of cancer live longer than a few months less alone a few years! When it was time for hospice to step in that was a definite blow and for sure complete denial set in. We were given a sheet of paper with a list of symptoms listed by numbers like 1 through 20 or so. As I read the list I thought she does not have one of the symptoms listed, she's not a candidate why did they send hospice? Well it was not to long before number one on the list happened and even then denial! She was talking and laughing reading her bible and we were reading it to her. She watched the movie Beaches over and over and over. Then number two and three started to show and again, denial! Before to long she had gone down the paper quickly, so fast I could not think straight. The strange thing was I did not react like the way I thought I would all those years of telling her she could not die. Again denial! Then it happened, I knew the end was near but I did not want to face it. I remember leaving her room as if someone took me by the hand and said lets go outside. A few minutes later I heard my older sister gasp and I knew it was the end. I ran in the house down the hall and seen my sisters eyes which confirmed she was gone. I sat at her side and cried, closed her eyes and put her arm close to my chest to keep it warm. That was the time "no word in the dictionary" could ever describe. When I see people with their moms I think and many times I will tell them they are so Blessed to have their moms and cherish every moment. What I would not do to hug my mom just one more time. My message, love, honor, respect, cherish and most important never take for granted the short time we have with eachother.
to long after that she went to the E.R. only to be told that is was probably hepatitis. She wasn't convinced. Now her skin was beginning to look very tan but in a weird way. So, she went to U.C.I. and was finally diagnosed with a rare liver cancer which totally explains the jaundice that was consuming her body. Her liver was shutting down. The Doctor explained that he would do surgery but not to get our hopes up. The day of surgery was a nightmare in itself. We were told it was going to be a very long, time consuming procedure and not to expect any news for a while but he would try to send out a nurse for updates. The whole family was there in the waiting room not really saying to much if I remember correctly. Lots of praying and then the my heart stopped. The doctor came out within a couple of hours instead of 11 or 12 hours and it was not a nurse he sent out it was him! My knees went weak and I fell to the floor. He said it was very bad and it was a very large mass in her liver and had very little hope it could be operated on. So, we were asked the unforgettable question. Do you want me to proceed and do what I can or do you want me to close up and see what happens? I don't think any of us hesitated and we all said operate, do what you can to try and save our mom. Surgery went on for what seemed to be forever. After several hours and some positive updates it was finally over and we were able to see her briefly. It was so hard to see the person I thought would live forever, and never for a second did I imagine my life without her. I took her for granted, thinking mom's don't die or at least my mom could not. As a child and a adult I always told her you can not die and if you ever did they better make it a double casket cause I'm coming with you! It seemed absolutely impossible for my mom to not see her children grow and her grandchildren blossom. Our youngest sister was still in her teens and the rest of us were adults with children except for our brother. Our mom did some chemo and I'm not sure but I think some radiation and no medications and was given a very poor prognosis. She however was very confident that whatever was to be that it was in God's hands and His will is what she was going to go by. We on the other hand were terrified that it was just a matter of months that we had left with her. But, through God's grace He gave us 3 years more with our mom and she was nicknamed by her surgeon his miracle patient! He had never in his career seen a patient with her type of cancer live longer than a few months less alone a few years! When it was time for hospice to step in that was a definite blow and for sure complete denial set in. We were given a sheet of paper with a list of symptoms listed by numbers like 1 through 20 or so. As I read the list I thought she does not have one of the symptoms listed, she's not a candidate why did they send hospice? Well it was not to long before number one on the list happened and even then denial! She was talking and laughing reading her bible and we were reading it to her. She watched the movie Beaches over and over and over. Then number two and three started to show and again, denial! Before to long she had gone down the paper quickly, so fast I could not think straight. The strange thing was I did not react like the way I thought I would all those years of telling her she could not die. Again denial! Then it happened, I knew the end was near but I did not want to face it. I remember leaving her room as if someone took me by the hand and said lets go outside. A few minutes later I heard my older sister gasp and I knew it was the end. I ran in the house down the hall and seen my sisters eyes which confirmed she was gone. I sat at her side and cried, closed her eyes and put her arm close to my chest to keep it warm. That was the time "no word in the dictionary" could ever describe. When I see people with their moms I think and many times I will tell them they are so Blessed to have their moms and cherish every moment. What I would not do to hug my mom just one more time. My message, love, honor, respect, cherish and most important never take for granted the short time we have with eachother.
That is great to share your feelings so openly like that. It sounds like you had a great love for your mom which is not always the case with people. I like your blog this is my first visit.
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