Since it's Thanksgiving I decided to write about what I am thankful for. First I'm very thankful for my family. Without my family I am nobody. I don't know where or who I would be if I didn't have my three kids to mold and shape me into being a Mom and a role model in this lifetime. I am thankful for laughing! Without being able to laugh out loud and laugh at myself (which took many years but I can now do) is the greatest feeling of all. We as people do not take advantage of such a gift. Some are to caught up in their lives and jobs and social status. It is not worth giving up such a gift. I'm thankful for animals mostly my dogs and the unconditional love they give. They have pulled me through some tough times and at times I wish they could talk back. Maybe that's why our pets are so special, it's because they don't talk they just love you no matter what. If I could wish one thing this holiday season it would be "world peace"! I'm kidding it was just a passing thought of a pageant question. Seriously I would wish that on everyday not just the holidays that everyone and every living thing gets fed and has plenty of food throughout the year. To be a parent and have to worry about your child being hungry is worse than any one thing I can imagine. Material things are just that, material which equals replaceable. You can not look into your child's eyes and say "I'm sorry honey but mommy can't feed you today." That's a horrible thought but it's happening all over the world and right in your own backyard. Sure it's wonderful to volunteer and help feed the homeless and I'm sure they appreciate it very much but what about the next day and the day after that. Where is everyone when they are hungry again? Out of sight out of mind. Not good people, we need to step up to the plate so to speak no pun intended and take care of others that are less fortunate. It could be you at any given time and how would it make you feel if not one person gave you a helping hand? My personal opinion is it's just not right to think that doing a good deed once a year gets you off the hook for the rest of the 364 days. What gets my goat are the people with so much money that they just can't part with some of it to build a shelter or open a kitchen for the homeless to get a hot meal everyday. You can't take the money with you when your time is up so why not put it to some good use and kill two birds with one stone. Pleases God and help others? I challenge people that have more than enough to do something for someone else and see how it makes you feel and more important how you made the person that you helped feel. So, those are my thoughts on giving and what I'm thankful for. Happy Holidays all and God Bless Everyone, cause we all need it. Believe that!

HIKING

Tuesday November 17, 2009 went hiking with Alicia & Dustin. We took the dogs and off we went to Mt. Rubidoux. I've never been there before and it was absolutely gorgeous! The picture you see is way at the top of the mountain about 2 miles or so. The day was perfect and the scenery was even better. What a great place to go and clear your head. To see all of God's creations and wonder what things must of looked like a million years ago! There were all kinds of landmarks and history along the trail. The dogs were tuckered out by the time we got to the top and I was actually doing pretty good. I thought when we first arrived and I looked at the temple my first thought was we're not going that high I hope! But as the walk went on it didn't seem to bad and I couldn't wait to see the stone temple in person. I made it! I walked up the stairs and looked into it and it had a sign about the person it was dedicated to in the name of peace and happiness. There was a really cool wood bridge to cross and you could see things at a 360 degree view. It truly was amazing. I had no idea it even existed and now I'm glad I know about it. One of the things I noticed below was a cemetery. It wasn't a big cemetery but you could see on the other side of the road that they were expanding the lot. There were headstones already on the dirt lot. What makes me think when I see a cemetery is that that's the last stop. There's no turning back it's over. I often wonder what things will I get to see and experience before I end up in a cemetery. I don't know when God wants to take me home so I want to make every day count. If you have never been or if you don't have a loved one at a cemetery then it is to hard to describe what it's like. Our Mom is at Fairview cemetery in Tustin and I can count on one hand how many times I've been there in nine years. It's to hard to go and see your mom's name on a stone and you can't see or talk to her. I feel she is with me all the time and going to the cemetery is not where she really is anyway. I know God took her home and I also know that she wanted so much more than what she had. I don't want any regrets I want to live life, not just exist. So after discovering Mt. Rubidoux I have a brighter view on life and what it has to offer. I can't wait to go back. I think I found my new meditation spot.

The Light at The End of The Tunnel

Well it seems that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Thank God! I was worried that this last "funk" session was going to last longer than need be. But great news came today and the mood in the Gonzales house is great! It is truly a reminder of how you should NEVER take anything for granted. I mean EVER! This gift of life is so precious and so unpredictable. At any given moment your world can be turned upside down and you don't get a warning bell that goes off it just happens. So, in every situation you think you can't pull out of, you need to check yourself and say is this really worth all the aggravation it's causing me? To many it might be so trivial and when you confront it you can say it's not as bad as it could be. If we really try hard we realize that there is more than one reason we should be thankful for what we have and who we have in our lives. Being tested by God is the hardest test bar none to any test I've ever been given anywhere. In these days of our economy taking a dive and unemployment at its highest it makes me worry and wonder just when are people really going to start to crack under the pressure! I had a little taste of what it could feel like to lose our home and not have enough money to feed our family and there are people out there that are actually going through it. We slid through and are fortunate enough to see a light at the end of this economic tunnel. I have to tell myself though that there are no guarantees about tomorrow. For today I will take the good news and run with it and say thank you to the people who were there to support us through this scary moment. Thank you Dad, Mom, & Dad. Pray things go as planned and let this be a lesson to always say your prayers and to always believe that God will be right beside you no matter what. Even when you feel your absolute lowest. Trust me I could win a limbo contest I've been so low before. Have and keep the faith it's all we can do. But know that God will even carry you to take the weight off if you just give it all to Him. Thank you Jesus for giving my husband peace of mind and for the wonderful parents and family we are Blessed with.

funkitis

Since this is a place for me to blog and it seems a few webs have cast over I guess I can feel fairly safe to say whatever it is that's on my mind. It is a funk that I must be in and they don't come as often as they used to but I'm in one now. So, what do I do about it I write in the hopes that when I'm finished I will feel better. What is the cause for this funk? I guess I would have to dig a little deep for the answer then again maybe it's at the surface and I just don't want to pop out and say it. But what difference does it make if "webs" are casted over. I think it has a lot to do with respect and feeling important or just plain being trusted. Then again it's all of the above. How much do you give and never expect anything back? Do you think it's selfish to want better? Or to feel guilty for wanting better? I'm satisfied with what I have but there are others that don't have hardly anything and yet I want more quality out of my life. I don't need big expensive things but it would be nice to have just one of the things on your wish list. So it's okay or is it not? Kind of confused at myself right now. I ask myself if I deserve the things that I want and the answer is a hesitated yes. But I'm the wrong person to ask because I'm my worst enemy. Do you just serve God and let Him do his work or do I feel like a hypocrite. I know nothing is given and you have to earn the things you want. It just seems like a wall builds itself right before I take that huge step into promise land and then BAM I smash right into the wall! Where's your confidence and what makes me think I don't deserve what everyone else has? Not to sure only can say that I must be a really sick person to think that I'm alone in this and that I don't matter. I do know I matter to the people that really care about me and not about who they want me to be. In fact the only person I know how to be is me. So what's the problem? Just a funk. There are reasons behind it and I should be a stronger person and be able to ignore and overlook certain things but this is who I am and the way God created me. So I guess I'll have to put a little more effort into what work I need to do to make me feel like a worthy person. Funkitis, I hate it!!!

Abusive Relationships

Here's a subject that may or may not touch home. Being in a abusive relationship is one of the worst ways to spend your precious life. Why? If you live in or have left an abusive relationship then you know what it feels like. Having been in a very bad relationship I can speak by experience and not by reading a book. At an early age I knew I always wanted children and I was not interested in a career. It might of had something to do with my upbringing but that is the way I thought. I knew that the one thing no one could EVER take from me was my child. I dated older guys and I believe it was because I was in search of some type of father figure. I got what I wanted and married at 18 years of age. My daughter was born one day before my 19th birthday. My older husband left me alone most of the time because he was over 21 and I was not. There were signs before we were married that should of screamed RED FLAG warnings but I did not know better. The relationship was very controlling and mentally, physically and verbally abusive. I felt I had to live this life because he was what I thought I wanted at the time. I just wanted to be wanted. Simple as that. I can say that I went home to my Mom's several times throughout this relationship and of course always went back to the abuse. Even though I was told I didn't deserve it I went back. Mostly to empty promises of I'll never hit you again and I'll be nicer I promise. It never lasted! I loved this person enough to believe that he would change and time and time again he proved me wrong. I felt like I was in quicksand and people who cared about me and my daughter were all there holding a stick to pull us out but I refused to take it. Why? Well, I was told on a daily basis that I was no good. I was told I could never do better than him and for sure nobody would want me with a child or baggage as he would put it. I was called every bad name you can think of and after awhile you start believing these things. It might sound crazy to some but if you are told you are beautiful all the time you most likely are going to believe it. So if you are told you are fat and ugly and nobody will ever want you then you will believe it. I know because I bought into all that B.S. When I think of all the years, over a decade that I wasted on a relationship and the torment I put my kids through it makes me sick. I was caught up in the threats he would tell me and I truly believed he would act on them. But now let's go back a little and think of where you were before this person ever came into your life. I was fine without him and never knowing him I didn't think "Hmmm, I think I'll find an abusive man to live with". I was someone, a real live human being that deserved love, unconditional love. To think that out of the BILLIONS of people who walk this earth and I let one manipulate me like a ball of clay. There IS help out there! Abuse is not what anyone should get use to or think they deserve that as their life. Being the first love makes it even harder if that's what I thought love was. Having my parents divorce at an early age I don't think I was to sure what love was. Looking back I know I did not know what love was. Did it affect my children? Ah Yeah! After leaving and thought I was never going back he made it his mission to do whatever it took to win me over. It was like he could see it in my eyes that I was done. He would come pick up my daughter and get all dressed up looking good to make me jealous. At first it didn't work and then he would try even harder and living with my Mom and step-dad was hard so I took the bait and went back. Stupid, I know. Now it gets better. I move back and for awhile everything is wonderful. I'm thinking he's changed and now we can live happily ever after! Then I find out I'm pregnant. That's a great thing, but even better it's twins!!! Great for me, bad for relationship. This is a time where I can't really put in words. It was extremely hard to put it mild. I didn't go full term and had an emergency C-section at 7 months. The twins were just under 4 pounds each. My oldest daughter was 4yrs. old when the twins were born and I was totally overwhelmed. Because the twins were premature I had to be discharged from the hospital empty handed. That was one of the worst days of my life. I spent every minute I could at that hospital doing what I could which wasn't much. I have a 4 year old at home who needs me and I have these 2 precious tiny babies that I need. It was just about a month before they could both come home. One would think that going through all this as a couple it would make your relationship stronger. But it didn't. I was the one with all the stress and worry. He was the one that said I have to work in the morning. I was exhausted and I also worked. Now that my kids are adults I see the effects of my bad choices. They are beautiful kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I do see the reality of my poor decisions rubbing off on them. Mostly them being in relationships that are not what they deserve at all. Never settle, it's not what I would tell my kids or anyone. I have to say to my kids " take my shoes off "! In other words don't follow my foot steps. Easier said than done. When kids see what you put up with they think that's what life is. It is the biggest regret of all to see your child think they don't deserve better. I can't make their choices and I wish they didn't have those childhood memories as their own. I do have a light at the end of the tunnel which I completely thought would never happen to me but it did. That is I met a MAN that loves me for nothing more or nothing less. JUST ME! If God himself came to me in my first relationship and said one day things will be different I would of never believed it. Now I know God and I believe it. It happened to me and I have no abuse at all in this relationship of over 12 years. It is possible. Truth be told it takes a lot of healing and it gets worse before it gets better, but it's so worth it. If I can survive my past and live to type about it, YOU can too! Don't ever give up on yourself, you are all you have and YOU deserve a healthy, happy, life period!

Living with a "Label"

"P.T.S.S."
Post meaning after the fact. "Pre" meaning before. Let's use the example post-op for after surgery and pre-op is before surgery. Post traumatic stress syndrome is of course something traumatic that happened in the past and now you are affected by this event or events. What happens to someones mind with PTSS? I guess you really can't answer that question unless you took a poll of people who have PTSS and tallied up their opinions. It's my belief and experience that it's different for everyone. Why? Because everyone's PTSS came from a different type of trauma or has similar characteristics just different circumstances. In my case I've had many things that have caused my PTSS. I can only imagine those who are ready to hear some scandelous story about my trauma but you're out of luck. Sorry to burst any bubbles but details are not important. It is NOT my intentions to put blame on anyone but rather to talk about how it is to live with the "illness". It is very challenging to say the least having different labels put over your head about what mental illness you might or might not have. It has been my experience with over fifty or so different Dr.'s, psychiatrist's. psychologists, therapists and the list goes on that they all have their own opinions. Most of the professionals if not all have never experienced any trauma so it makes me wonder what book they read that they thought " this sounds like PTSS, or Bi-polar syndrome or Major depression, and the list goes on and on and on. It might be a topic that some are uncomfortable to speak about. I am not uncomfortable talking about it because it is reality! It's life. A part of life that millions of people live with day in and day out. I'm not ashamed of it because I did not cause it nor did I wish it upon myself. Could things be worse? Absolutley! With me it started revealing itself around 30. I was having vivid nightmares, crying all the time totally down and just like the commercial says hopeless and lost all enthusiasum for life. That is when HELL started. Talking to different Dr.'s being dissected like a lab rat and feeling like an alien, Having to literally put your life into a strangers hand and being told to take this pill and that pill and before you know it you're a walking PDR. (physicians desk reference). Everything from a to z has been put on your plate and now your so looped you don't know how to think! Throw in some hospital stays and you have a very frightened person staring back at you. I was one of the more fortunate ones as an impatient. What I witnessed over the years in hospitals I could write a book. I don't really know how to explain the hospital side of mental illness except to say that most of the employees are hardened to their surroundings. I can say that through the years there were a handful of nurses and Dr.'s that actually cared. Then there were the ones that you didn't want to piss off. I can understand why, and I can't really say I blame them. I was a model patient compared to the people I have seen in hospitals. They wore the staff out! As a Mom living with an illness it makes my life 100 times harder. I want to be the best Mom I can be for my children and I don't want them to look back on their childhood and remember bad memories. This would have to be the worst part of the entire Dx. is having your children see you in ways you pray they didn't have to see. In my case my kids have seen and heard a lot in their small lifetime. I would give anything for them to not have witnessed half the things they have. God knows how much I love my kids and how much I want them to have healthy and happy lives. We don't get to choose our life but we can make the best of the hand we are dealt. It seems like I have lived several lives and cried enough tears to make a "lady made lake". The first five or six years after being Dx. were the worst. Always hiding and running away from everyone. Not wanting anyone's help and in complete denial that anything could be wrong with me. I know there are some out there that refuse to even entertain the thought of taking medication. That would confirm they had a problem. In my way of looking at it I don't feel proud I have to take meds but if I had diabetes or a heart problem and I was told take this medication to survive I would take it. Just the same with anti-depressants. If I don't take the medication I will live a miserable and most likely a shorter life. As a Christian women believing in and trusting God I know that He can take away any and all things. I don't blame God. I'm being tested and I have faith that He will not put me through anything that I can not handle. If taking a pill is what I have to do to get through this life with some peace than that is what I need to do. It does not mean I won't have really crappy days or weeks but I can get through them easier knowing that Jesus is right next to me holding my hand. This life is so short and so temporary. No one knows when it's their time, only God knows that. I live to please God and have the faith that when God say's "Tina it's time to come home" I'll be ready.