Abusive Relationships

Here's a subject that may or may not touch home. Being in a abusive relationship is one of the worst ways to spend your precious life. Why? If you live in or have left an abusive relationship then you know what it feels like. Having been in a very bad relationship I can speak by experience and not by reading a book. At an early age I knew I always wanted children and I was not interested in a career. It might of had something to do with my upbringing but that is the way I thought. I knew that the one thing no one could EVER take from me was my child. I dated older guys and I believe it was because I was in search of some type of father figure. I got what I wanted and married at 18 years of age. My daughter was born one day before my 19th birthday. My older husband left me alone most of the time because he was over 21 and I was not. There were signs before we were married that should of screamed RED FLAG warnings but I did not know better. The relationship was very controlling and mentally, physically and verbally abusive. I felt I had to live this life because he was what I thought I wanted at the time. I just wanted to be wanted. Simple as that. I can say that I went home to my Mom's several times throughout this relationship and of course always went back to the abuse. Even though I was told I didn't deserve it I went back. Mostly to empty promises of I'll never hit you again and I'll be nicer I promise. It never lasted! I loved this person enough to believe that he would change and time and time again he proved me wrong. I felt like I was in quicksand and people who cared about me and my daughter were all there holding a stick to pull us out but I refused to take it. Why? Well, I was told on a daily basis that I was no good. I was told I could never do better than him and for sure nobody would want me with a child or baggage as he would put it. I was called every bad name you can think of and after awhile you start believing these things. It might sound crazy to some but if you are told you are beautiful all the time you most likely are going to believe it. So if you are told you are fat and ugly and nobody will ever want you then you will believe it. I know because I bought into all that B.S. When I think of all the years, over a decade that I wasted on a relationship and the torment I put my kids through it makes me sick. I was caught up in the threats he would tell me and I truly believed he would act on them. But now let's go back a little and think of where you were before this person ever came into your life. I was fine without him and never knowing him I didn't think "Hmmm, I think I'll find an abusive man to live with". I was someone, a real live human being that deserved love, unconditional love. To think that out of the BILLIONS of people who walk this earth and I let one manipulate me like a ball of clay. There IS help out there! Abuse is not what anyone should get use to or think they deserve that as their life. Being the first love makes it even harder if that's what I thought love was. Having my parents divorce at an early age I don't think I was to sure what love was. Looking back I know I did not know what love was. Did it affect my children? Ah Yeah! After leaving and thought I was never going back he made it his mission to do whatever it took to win me over. It was like he could see it in my eyes that I was done. He would come pick up my daughter and get all dressed up looking good to make me jealous. At first it didn't work and then he would try even harder and living with my Mom and step-dad was hard so I took the bait and went back. Stupid, I know. Now it gets better. I move back and for awhile everything is wonderful. I'm thinking he's changed and now we can live happily ever after! Then I find out I'm pregnant. That's a great thing, but even better it's twins!!! Great for me, bad for relationship. This is a time where I can't really put in words. It was extremely hard to put it mild. I didn't go full term and had an emergency C-section at 7 months. The twins were just under 4 pounds each. My oldest daughter was 4yrs. old when the twins were born and I was totally overwhelmed. Because the twins were premature I had to be discharged from the hospital empty handed. That was one of the worst days of my life. I spent every minute I could at that hospital doing what I could which wasn't much. I have a 4 year old at home who needs me and I have these 2 precious tiny babies that I need. It was just about a month before they could both come home. One would think that going through all this as a couple it would make your relationship stronger. But it didn't. I was the one with all the stress and worry. He was the one that said I have to work in the morning. I was exhausted and I also worked. Now that my kids are adults I see the effects of my bad choices. They are beautiful kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I do see the reality of my poor decisions rubbing off on them. Mostly them being in relationships that are not what they deserve at all. Never settle, it's not what I would tell my kids or anyone. I have to say to my kids " take my shoes off "! In other words don't follow my foot steps. Easier said than done. When kids see what you put up with they think that's what life is. It is the biggest regret of all to see your child think they don't deserve better. I can't make their choices and I wish they didn't have those childhood memories as their own. I do have a light at the end of the tunnel which I completely thought would never happen to me but it did. That is I met a MAN that loves me for nothing more or nothing less. JUST ME! If God himself came to me in my first relationship and said one day things will be different I would of never believed it. Now I know God and I believe it. It happened to me and I have no abuse at all in this relationship of over 12 years. It is possible. Truth be told it takes a lot of healing and it gets worse before it gets better, but it's so worth it. If I can survive my past and live to type about it, YOU can too! Don't ever give up on yourself, you are all you have and YOU deserve a healthy, happy, life period!