Just me....

I have to say that when coming out of depression it goes the opposite sometimes. What I mean is when you're depressed you are sad and blue and it seems it will never change. The world as you know it came to a complete halt! Then the gross feelings slowly fade out and in comes laughter. What a trip! I've been so down lately. I don't know if anyone else sees the sign of depression in their own face. I know right away if I'm depressed. I see it in my eyes. The good ole saying " the eyes don't lie". Well, that's me. That seems to be my confirmation that what I'm feeling inside is showing on the outside. Why it comes at such a surprise to me I haven't figured out yet. It's like ...HELLO!!! you have depression! Why are you thinking your cured??? My answer? I don't know. What I do know is I'm not different from anyone else although there are days when I feel like an alien. We all have something medical or non-medical that goes on with us. The difference is most people won't admit it. What's to hide? It's part of life and quite interesting if you ask me. If you think back to when you were a child and the events or stories that made the news. In my time which would be late 70'2 early 80's, we didn't have anything close to what kids have today. Things were a lot safer. Now it's present time and all hell is breaking loose. Always, always bad and sad news. One day I will be a Senior with all kinds of stories for my new friends and my grandchildren. So, writing and telling is history in the making. If not for you for my kids. peace out, Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day *60*

Well the day is here!!! Day number 60, sixty, the big six 0!!! I had a few of the days combined but all in all I did it. I finished!!! Maybe not a big surprise to some but to me a HUGE accomplishment! I was even under the weather today and I still managed to finish this journey. I'm proud of myself. I wish my mom were here to read all about the things I blogged about. Who knows maybe there's a window in heaven she can peek out of that she can see me typing. Whatever the case I did it! I did some things today being it is the twins 21st birthday today. How ironic that I finish this on the day of their 21st birthday. I went bowling with Dustin and Raquel and Kylee and Alicia showed up a little later. We all played some games and Kylee won a ton of tickets that Alicia claimed the prize for. Hah, she got a sponge Bob lunch pail! We had a good time despite the fact that Dustin had to leave early to go to school but, we had a late lunch and then he headed back to Orange County. Poor guy, Dustin called me when he got to school and said he made it on time but class was canceled! What a bummer because he could of stayed out here and went to the movies. Oh well it was better that he took care of his responsibilities first. It was a good day. So, do I continue to blog or do I just stop? I don't think I'll stop but I think I will only blog when I feel like I need to get things out or if something really significant happens in my life.

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 51,52,53,54,55,56,57,58,59

It seems my "Because I never finish anything I start" was beginning to look like something I set out NOT to do, and that was finish! My intentions of this whole project was to finish and I will. I have had so many road blocks and speed bumps and peaks and valleys it's to much to post. Would anyone really even care if I did post it? I, as all of you may have is wrenches that get thrown into your everyday life. It just seems for me that those wrenches are a little harder to dodge sometimes. I have been having a lot of "Mom" moments and maybe a little depression. So much has been happening lately and I've been so busy that when the dust finally settled I got hit with a tsunami of depression! With the St. Patrick's Day party at the Senior Center and the drama that happened with that to the planning of the twins 21st birthday party to the pregnant dog ruining my screen to the list goes on and on. Will I get over it? Sure. Always do. It's really not the point though, it's just how can I try to be someone I'm not and think that I have to take on everyone's problems and solve them all by myself? It's not possible and I know this but as a MOM it is very difficult to not take on your child's ordeals. Maybe if it's not even anything to do with my kids it could be someone else and just when I think all is okay, it's not. Not by a long shot. I just get to involved without even knowing it. I talk with my husband and he wants to help with the way I feel and it just isn't possible. I try to explain my feelings and I get no where. I don't know what to do. I just have to keep telling myself that it will end and I will be Tina again soon but, when you have depression it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel has burned out and there's not a hardware store in the state to buy a new one. I don't even know if I'm making any sense. It doesn't even matter. I really got hit hard with this one and I have to admit it has been a long time since I've felt this way. Really bad timing!!! Life! What a gig. You never know if the audience is going to boo you or if they will love you. Kinda seems to me what life is like. Some days you are for the most part problem free and then there are the days your dodging tomatoes! I apologize if I disappointed any of you out there who have kept up on this blog. I disappointed myself more. I tried really hard to stay committed to this project and for the most part I have( I think ). I know I could of done better. Tomorrow will be my 60 day post and I hope I feel better. Pray for me. peace out ,Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 50

I need to get this off my chest because it has been on my mind for several days. When I started this 60 day adventure, I said I was going to do something for someone each day for 60 days. Some of you might feel I have not done that. You are not alone, I feel like I have not done as many things as I should. But then that brings me to my next point. If you have to tell all the things you do for people it means nothing. At least to me it means nothing. When you do something for anyone it should be from your heart and between you and God. The world doesn't need to know what I do for people only God needs to know because He's the one that truly knows your heart. This is not an attempt to quit my 60 day quest, I only have 10 days for crying out loud! I will continue what I've been doing for the last 49 days and you don't want to miss out on the St. Patrick's Day Party update and outcome! Do you? I just thought I'd clear up any questions you might or might not of had. Thanks for reading and I hope you will continue to do so. The Lord only knows what will type out of my head next! peace out, Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 49 & 50

To start off I went to the Senior Center on Friday to sell more raffle tickets. I have to say that doing a basket has helped with putting the party together. At one dollar a ticket I think it's a bargain for the contents of the basket. It is pretty costly to put together a party for 100 people. I do enjoy doing it very much and I know the Seniors appreciate it! It's a good feeling to make another persons day. I have a great time socializing with all of them. I have to say that it doesn't always matter what age you are. Some of the Seniors just are not happy to see a younger person in the mix. Most are happy to have you and then there are a few that probably wished you were somewhere else. I don't let it bother me because that's life no matter where you go. I can't change the world but I can make a difference in how some of them feel. They also can make a difference in me! I feel good when I come home. So, the count down is four more days and I still need a few ideas on games that we can play during the lunch hour. Any ideas? I want to make it fun and memorable, not just another party. Day fifty, my husband and I felt a little under the weather when we woke up so we just kinda laid around. We watched a movie that we started to watch last night but it was a blu ray and it kept going but no words were coming out! It was so frustrating. Kylee took it back to Hollywood Video to exchange it for another one. Danny decided he wanted to cook something after watching the food channel half the day. He wanted to make lasagna so he looked up a recipe on his palm pre and went to the store to buy all the ingredients to make lasagna. He even bought a loaf of french bread and made garlic and cheese bread! It turned out wonderful! It was a great meal. Now he just asked me what kind of ice cream shakes we should make. I'm so bloated from the meal I can't even think of eating or drinking one more thing! We are Blessed! Well, as I type he just left to the store to buy stuff to make ice cream shakes. I'm sure they'll be delicious and I'm also sure that he's gonna have to roll me out of bed tomorrow!!! peace out, Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 48

Well, today I went shopping for the twins birthday party. I went to Costco and bought a few things and ordered the cake. I will have to wait until the date gets closer to buy some of the other items so they don't go stale. I hope it's a good turn out for them. You only turn 21 once in your life and next to the 50th it's a big one! Dustin wants to go skydiving for his birthday and I am going with him. I'm not sure if Kylee wants to go but I think she does. Mo has already went within the past few months. So, I don't know if she would want to go. I think it would be a hoot jumping out of an airplane! I just feel sorry for the guy who has to ride on my back! I went to the Senior Center today to play Bunco. It was fun and as usual I had a great time. I did not win but that's not a surprise. I never win at Bunco even when I played with my family. Oh well, it's fun and nice to get out of the house. I brought jelly beans and Hershey's chocolate eggs for a treat. They don't ask you to bring anything but, one person brings lunch for everyone and then they rotate to another person for the next week. Today Joe brought chili beans with cornbread muffins..yummy! I'm still so excited for the 17th to come! For now that's it. peace out, Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 46, 47

Yesterday I had some things to take care of at home. It can be so challenging being a Mother sometimes. It just somehow never ends with the worry and concern about your child's well being. As a Mom I know that what affects my children affects me. More than that, it's hard to explain to them things they will never understand until they themselves become parents. My Mom would tell me that I will find out when I become a parent and that not until then will I get it. I used to reply " yah, but I will be a cool Mom". Good thing I'm typing because it's hard to talk with a foot in your mouth! She knew and I didn't. I never want to see my kids suffer, all their pain is mine and more frustrating when there's not a thing I can do but simply just be there and listen. That though is not enough. I want to heal their every wound and take all their problems away. Then I have to say to myself, they would not become adults and responsible people in this society if I take on all their problems. We learn from our mistakes and hopefully grow from them. I would be failing them as a Mother if I try and solve everything they go through. I pray all things will work out for us. Today which would be day 47, I went to the Senior Center to play Bingo! I mostly went just to see them but I ended up playing a few games. I have not been going as much as I would like but that's okay. It's good to miss them so when I do go back it is more special. Everyone is so excited about the St. Patrick's Day Party. I am too! I seem to have almost everything I need. I do need a few more items and then I will be 100% ready. If I forgot anything it's going to have to be alright. There is only so much I can do and, I think I've just about done it all. So, the wait begins...7 days and counting! Then we have the twins 21st Birthday Party on the 20th of March, whew!, this is going to be a busy week. I can't believe my babies are going to be 21!!! It seems like yesterday when I had control! You probably thought I was going to say something else but it's true. I used to be able to dress them and they would actually leave on what I dressed them in! Not today they all have minds and opinions of their own but that is what I love about all 3 of them. peace out, Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 42,43,44,45

Gosh where to begin??? It's been a long week to say the least. I have not been ignoring my goal on this 60 day blog quest but, some really important things have happened. My attention was drawn to a more important person. Our Grandpa Roman is in the hospital and I won't go into detail for privacy reasons. All I can say is that we need lots of prayers. There have been some wonderful responses to the need of prayers by complete strangers to Grandpa but, in God's eyes we're not strangers at all. We are ALL God's children and he hears all our prayers. This is the reality of life and what happens to us all eventually. Not one person will live forever. It is vital that we make amends where amends are needed and we treat ourselves to that little dessert we know we deserve. ( and you know who you are :-). I wish I had more control over what happens to the ones I love but, that is God's plans and not for me to worry about but to have FAITH that He will heal His son. Life is truly a gift and sometimes we need a wake up call before we realize what we do have. I will say this, I love all my family with all my heart!! You all know who you are and let it be said I will and would do anything for all of you. I am truly Blessed and I will walk by Faith. To be honest my mind has been consumed with all sorts of things and I give God all the Glory for His love and grace, Amen. I love you Grandpa!!! Tina

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 41

Today I did not go to the Senior Center for the second day in a row. I know, it is a shock to me too! I think I need to take a break when it starts to not be fun for me to go. I go because I enjoy it very much but, there has been so much drama there that I need to take a break and not take it home with me. I don't want to get caught up in something that's none of my business. I don't get a pay check nor do I have to be there. I love to go and mingle with the people and participate in some of the activities. I have things that needed to be dealt with at home so it's okay that I stayed away. It's sad though that when you find something in this life that you really enjoy and then all it takes is a couple of people to ruin it for everyone. I do have the St. Patrick's Day Party to look forward to so, that's what I think of to put me back in the good mood I had before all the drama. I did however go to the Men's Bible Study with my husband, No I did not sit in with them. That would of been really awkward! I went to hang out with my husbands cousin's girlfriend. She picked me up and we went to Chili's for some soup and salad while the guys were in the Bible study. It was nice to visit and chat with her about girl stuff. The only thing I had planned was to put on my p.j.'s and watch a movie. Then I get a text from Brandy asking me to go with Danny so we can hang out. It was a nice change to be able to just relax and not have to think. We went to Target after to get a coffee at Starbucks but right when we walked in they were closing. Boo I say! Danny met us at Target and we seen him walk in so we ran and hid from him and it was like being 12 again but it was fun. Sometimes you just got to go out of your comfort zone and let loose! Danny was tired so we said are goodbyes and we left Target and drove home.

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 40

So, the last couple of days were tough! Some were happy tears and some were pain tears of missing my Mom. It was like being on a roller coaster! Just when I thought, "okay you are okay", another wave of tears would come. I decided I would go to the cemetery and sit with my Mom's "stone" but that didn't happen. I got off to a late start and because I had an appointment I would of been pushing it on time. Instead I went to See's candy and bought suckers for the Seniors at the Senior Center and invited them to share my Mom's birthday with me. Most of them were very understanding and then there were the ones that did not care what the occasion was, just gimme my sucker. I had to laugh because not everyone always gets what you're going through but, it doesn't matter my Mom knows it was my way of remembering her. I always send her balloons with a note attached and let them fly up to her. So, Kylee went and bought her two balloons and I wrote my note and attached it to the string on the Happy Birthday balloon and said a little prayer and off they went. I like to watch them until I can't see them anymore. My plans didn't exactly turn out the way I planned but all in all it was a good day.

Because I never finish anything I start! Day 39

Well today is kind of a hum drum day. If hum drum is a word or phrase. What I guess I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling a little blue. Okay I'm depressed I'll stop beating around the bush. See, I did another one! So, what's wrong you ask??? Well it seems that there's always something that stands in your way of letting you just be happy. Now, some might say that it's entirely up to you how you feel but, I say different. You can be having an amazing day and before you know it the carpet gets ripped right out from under you. I went to the Senior Center today and I had Dustin take me because Alicia's car broke down and she needed a car for work. It was drama on Friday at the Senior Center so I was a little leary on how it was going to be. It seems that they, meaning the people that had attitude were a little nicer than they were on Friday. My theory is they know they were in the wrong and Darlene the person in charge comes back tomorrow from vacation and they don't want her to know what they did wrong. My feeling is, seriously are you people for real. I try so hard to not let things bother me and yet when I think I have things under control the depression creeps up on me like a dark shadow. I don't choose to be depressed it's just a fact of my life I have to live with. My Mom would say that we are ALL God's children yet some people are not very Godly. I don't think people realize what someone is going through and maybe that person has no where to turn and this could be the day that they say to themselves I give up! The person that might set them over the edge has no clue that what they say or do is the last straw. I guess my point to all of this is you never know what someone is going through and maybe just maybe you should think before you speak. We are all dying a little bit every day and no one was born with a time of death, so it seems to me that we should all make a conscious effort to be a little nicer. I thank God for the Mom I had to teach me that even through her worst pains of dying from cancer she was always thanking Jesus. It was bizarre to understand at the time but, if it wasn't for her faith in Jesus I don't think my faith would be as strong as it is in God. So, you might be saying then why the depressed talk? Well, I'm still a human being living in the human world and crap happens. It's just what the world offers. Some days are better than others but I think we should all try to get along better than we do.