"Have a little FAITH"

I wish I could say I had more faith! Practice what you preach! Or don't tell someone " I'll pray for you" and then don't do it! I guess this letter would be to me. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of so many things, God just shakes His head at me. It's not that I don't mean it when I tell someone I will pray. I just never get that far. I have the best intentions in my heart, but I know that is NOT what God wants. Either you're in or you're out! No middle is His game! Live like you were me or suffer the consequences! That's what I'm afraid of. I'm going to pay when I get to heaven. Not in a punishment way, but as of now if I were to die today I would have a lot of "splain" to do! I guess the reality is that we don't get a trial run at what it is to go to Heaven. If that were the case maybe we would be a different world. Who knows.

The big and the small of it, If I chose to keep living the way I live and not follow Christ as close as I should than the "big" is don't cry when your rewards are small! I want Jesus to know that I want to obey Him. I want to live my life through Christ. I just feel like it's learning a foreign language. It's so easy it's hard! Makes no sense. I need to learn to pray and not just pray, but pray with my heart and soul. God, I know you know my heart and I feel like it's not good enough for you. So, if I feel that way then it must be true or I would feel otherwise. True? I wish I could speak to you face to face and you could hold me and comfort my worries. I know all I have to do is ask and I feel like I do that but it's not good enough. Maybe I expect an answer right away or I somehow missed what you were telling me. Whatever the case I want you to know that I love you more than anything! I want you, God, to know that I believe in you no matter what my thoughts try to do to me. I want to be a leader in someway. I want you to be proud of me! Tina.

So, I guess if you're listening to my brain or watching me type this you will know how much I need you and how much I love and thank you for everything you've ever done for me. I thank you for the three beautiful children you gave me and I hope I'll see the others that didn't make it to see the world. I know you have them in good hands and my mom will definitely help you. Mom if your sitting or standing with God watching me please know how much I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know. This is why I'm so scared. I feel like I'm being such a bad Christian that I won't be able to see you when it's my time. Please Jesus let me know, give me a sign of what you want from me. More importantly make sure when you send the message I know without a shadow of doubt it's you. Is it wrong to ask for that? Am I being stupid for wanting to know the obvious? I'm really that lost that I need you to really let me know it's YOUR will and to hear it loud and clear!

Well, that's all for now. I hope I made my questions answerable. I really am clueless and I need YOU! Please Lord be there for me and watch over me and my family. Give me the strength and the ears to hear when you speak to me. I thank you for everything and I don't want to screw things up. I know I'm not perfect but I'm not making a good impression of you either. So, Lord help me to be strong and to do the right thing always. I will stumble but please be there to pick me up. I love you with all you have given me. Mom, I love you and God willing will see you again. If I haven't said it enough I will say it again, Mom, I Tina am truly sorry for all the moments that I took from you. I took happy away from you. I wish I wasn't your worst nightmare. I know not all the time but enough times that I don't even have to think. They are all at the top of my brain. I need to learn how to forgive myself! God please help me with that. Your Daughter, Tina L. Flores Gonzales