Me as a Christian

Me as a Christian. That's a very hard statement to fill. I, as a Christian struggle more than others, I think. I find myself asking questions that only the Bible can answer. Yet, I fail to go to the Book for the answers. I want to do so many things for my God yet I don't think my "resume" qualify's me. The Lord wants, and knows what I put into my walk. So, how can I expect Him to grant my prayers if I don't walk the walk? At the Whosoevers tonight I, once again dreamed of being up there on that stage giving my testimony and singing along with the band. I have done some hurtful things to my family these past days and I feel so bad. I don't want to leave awful memories for my kids or my husband. I scared all of them recently by taking to many pills ( that are prescription ) none the less I took to many. The scary part is I didn't think of me, or what it would do to me, or my family should anything have happened. I have taken to many pills in the past, but a very long time ago, and the first thought that went through my head after I took them was OMG what did I just do. Then the panic would set in. This time was so different. I did'nt think twice I just did it. I scared my kids and made them really upset and I feel horrible as a mom. It's not the example I want to set. The thing is, I don't know what really made me do it, and without any cares. I think of it like this. When the devil knows I'm building a stronger relationship with my God he pounces on me hard. The devil wants to test me. God ofcourse being right by my side, I feel protects me even when my flesh gives into the devil. Make sense? The real question is, if I think this then why did I do what I did? I can't answer that because like I said this time was way different and to easy. It was as if I had to do it. The last post I did my husband questioned me about putting my "business" out there for all to read. My response was "no one reads them". If, however someone does I feel it's just a human telling their thoughts on reality. If I could write it all down faster I would. The computer is my journal or I should say this blog is my journal not my diary! There is nothing I type that I would not say in person if I was questioned. My life is an open book. It's how I feel. Friday March 4, 2011 at the Whosoever's concert/church I had an eye opener. Nothing on this earth in or off of it makes no difference if you're rich or poor. What matters is where you go after you die. Yes, I fall short of remembering this at times, but I get a wake up call real quick when I think of the end reward. Heaven. One word says it all. Mom. Says it all. Family. Says it all. Love God with all your heart and soul. Make God priority over EVERYTHING including family. He will bless you and your family if your faith is put with Him first. Let's just say I have so much to learn and God please open my eyes to your heart.

" Motivation "

This word is what I lack in my life, motivation should be an easy thing to be able to get up and start the day. It's not an easy thing. I wish it was that easy. My kids want to do things, but I just want to do nothing and try and work my way back to the bed without anyone giving me grief. Not that anyone really does, it's just that I feel bad not functoning like I should be able to. Medication changes got me this morning and I wake up way to late. I wake up so late it's already late morning, early afternoon. Nothing to be proud of. I feel like a bum. I want to have someone light a fire under my butt to get me going. How does that happen and how do you begin. I think I would physically need someone to pull me out of the bed and pull me out the door. I find myself cancelling appointments cause the thought of leaving the house is not what I want to do. I even have money in my wallet and that is usually a motivator for me, that's not even doing anything for me. That's how I know somethings not right. I want it to change. Today I want to be the start of a new day. Today is my day to go play bunco at the Senior Center like I do every Thursday. I've missed the last two Thursday's. I love going to the Senior Center and hanging out with all of them. I would look forward to that day to come up. What's wrong??? Someone give me an answer. I know what my Husband would say. We've already talked and he says we need to go back to Church. I agree, my brain doesn't. It was better when we were going to Church. I will check back in after Sunday to let you know how it worked, or if it worked.

" WHAT'S WRONG"

So, you want to know what is wrong with me??? Let's see if I can put it into words you probably won't understand. I live with brain and body "zaps" everyday. How long??? Don't remember last time I didn't have them. I feel bad everyday because I'm not the "housewife" you would like. Your subtle hints can be annoying. Just say it. You make me feel like I'm a dirty person and I look like a piece of crap in your eyes. I feel like that on my own. I know my wifely duties. I may appear to look stupid sometimes, but I'm not.
Medically speaking, I believe that the medications I take simply haven't or are not working . This would explain my crappy sleeping, my mood, my thoughts and my dreams that are constantly in play mode. I wish I was a better housekeeper. I think about what I'm going to clean the next day when I go to bed. Every night! The next morning is a different story. I'm so drained I don't even know how I function at times. I feel so hopeless and unworthy it hurts! both mentally and physically. I'm not asking you to understand it because I don't get half the things my brain comes up with. It's like living with something that dictates your mood, thoughts and actions. You have no control. It's hard to explain, I warned you.
I want so many things. I want to be the skinny wife you want to look at. I want to be a great housewife. I want to live sane and happy. I don't want to live with my brains crap, and being a parent and a wife with not knowing what the hell I'm doing half the time. I never have a quiet, idle mind and most of us don't have idle minds, but at least they can control their actions and not let the brain win.
The brain. If the brain is your "engine" for example, then nothing runs without it, right? If this "engine" determines what you see, feel and think then how am I supposed to operate when I don't know who's in charge! It should be me, but how do I know? I wing it. Sometimes this depression is mind disabling! It makes me think I'm losing it and at times it lets me be in control, (rare) but it does. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. No excuses either. This is who I am and I will probably be this way the rest of my life. I don't want to talk to the Dr. about anything. I refuse to be a guinea pig! I've done that gig to many years. I just accept it, and try to lay low. I have absolutely NO motivation. I do it so many times in my head that when the thought of physically doing it, wears me out. Crazy but true. It's the truth! I am on the computer for hours! Why? It's the one place my thoughts don't get to be on high volume. I can still have racing thoughts, but they're not consuming me, the computer is. It's a distraction so I can tune myself out.
Guilty? Very! I know the kids think I'm not paying attention to them when they talk to me when I'm on the computer. Does it make me feel like a piece of crap? Yes! I know what I feel like I need to do for me and for all of you , but it never gets there. My brain is strong like bull and stubborn like bull too! This I know. I just don't have the magic answers. I'm sorry for the way things are around here. I know it makes you upset to come home and things not be as you want them. I know you hate it when you walk in the door and just shake your head out of frustration because nothing was done. So, I get a F in housekeeping. An F in mothering and well, not an F in mothering maybe a B-. Bottom line is I don't have the answers please don't ask. This is who I am. Plain and simple. Whether I like it or not it's my make-up. So, now you know what was wrong.