" WHAT'S WRONG"

So, you want to know what is wrong with me??? Let's see if I can put it into words you probably won't understand. I live with brain and body "zaps" everyday. How long??? Don't remember last time I didn't have them. I feel bad everyday because I'm not the "housewife" you would like. Your subtle hints can be annoying. Just say it. You make me feel like I'm a dirty person and I look like a piece of crap in your eyes. I feel like that on my own. I know my wifely duties. I may appear to look stupid sometimes, but I'm not.
Medically speaking, I believe that the medications I take simply haven't or are not working . This would explain my crappy sleeping, my mood, my thoughts and my dreams that are constantly in play mode. I wish I was a better housekeeper. I think about what I'm going to clean the next day when I go to bed. Every night! The next morning is a different story. I'm so drained I don't even know how I function at times. I feel so hopeless and unworthy it hurts! both mentally and physically. I'm not asking you to understand it because I don't get half the things my brain comes up with. It's like living with something that dictates your mood, thoughts and actions. You have no control. It's hard to explain, I warned you.
I want so many things. I want to be the skinny wife you want to look at. I want to be a great housewife. I want to live sane and happy. I don't want to live with my brains crap, and being a parent and a wife with not knowing what the hell I'm doing half the time. I never have a quiet, idle mind and most of us don't have idle minds, but at least they can control their actions and not let the brain win.
The brain. If the brain is your "engine" for example, then nothing runs without it, right? If this "engine" determines what you see, feel and think then how am I supposed to operate when I don't know who's in charge! It should be me, but how do I know? I wing it. Sometimes this depression is mind disabling! It makes me think I'm losing it and at times it lets me be in control, (rare) but it does. I wish I had an answer, but I don't. No excuses either. This is who I am and I will probably be this way the rest of my life. I don't want to talk to the Dr. about anything. I refuse to be a guinea pig! I've done that gig to many years. I just accept it, and try to lay low. I have absolutely NO motivation. I do it so many times in my head that when the thought of physically doing it, wears me out. Crazy but true. It's the truth! I am on the computer for hours! Why? It's the one place my thoughts don't get to be on high volume. I can still have racing thoughts, but they're not consuming me, the computer is. It's a distraction so I can tune myself out.
Guilty? Very! I know the kids think I'm not paying attention to them when they talk to me when I'm on the computer. Does it make me feel like a piece of crap? Yes! I know what I feel like I need to do for me and for all of you , but it never gets there. My brain is strong like bull and stubborn like bull too! This I know. I just don't have the magic answers. I'm sorry for the way things are around here. I know it makes you upset to come home and things not be as you want them. I know you hate it when you walk in the door and just shake your head out of frustration because nothing was done. So, I get a F in housekeeping. An F in mothering and well, not an F in mothering maybe a B-. Bottom line is I don't have the answers please don't ask. This is who I am. Plain and simple. Whether I like it or not it's my make-up. So, now you know what was wrong.