So if blueberries were something you could drive and an automobile was something you ate then what would a strawberry ford taste like? I'm not to sure. If I was walking through the park and saw a green lunchbox would I want to take it home or build a museum out of it? I'm not to sure. The world is round and we all live on a patch of it, yet there is hundreds of miles untouched or is there? I'm not to sure. If people say you are crazy and you start to do back flips does that make you crazy? I'm not to sure. Rings are for fingers and hula hoops are round but they are for the waist does that mean a ring can't fit your waist? I'm not to sure. Does the little girl in the picture look like her head is going to explode or is she putting her head back on? I'm not to sure. So, there was a man who lived on a hill that no one knew of or even heard of. He would make his own furniture out of trees and dirt. He had all the supplies needed to survive and quite frankly knew no different. One day as he was gathering dirt and wood he saw a red moving object that scared him and intrigued him at the same time. Baffled at this sight he dropped what he had gathered and ran as fast as he could to his home. For sometime he just sat and rocked in his handmade chair scratching his head wondering what that red thing could possibly be. It was getting dark when he realized he'd been sitting for hours and not doing much else. He was getting hungry and still thinking of the red thing he got up and started to make a meal. His favorite meal was leaves mixed with berries and a little tree bark for some added flavor. While eating his meal he was distracted by the squirrel that came by every night for some scraps the man would give him. He fed that squirrel since it was a little guy and has seen the family the squirrel had made. There were 3 babies and a mama squirrel. Papa squirrel would always take the scraps and feed the babies and the mama squirrel before he would eat. The man had never seen a dog or cat and didn't know the meaning of a "man's best friend" but he was sure fond of this squirrel. All this time living on this hill and this man never questioned why or where he came from. It just was what it was. The next day the man started out the same as the other days and went out to get his dirt and twigs. It was a beautiful sunny day and a slight breeze was blowing. All of the sudden he heard a noise he'd never heard before. This time it wasn't a red thing it was a huge colorful thing floating through the air. Well, this was the end of all things. He was so amazed and frightened by this huge floating thing he dropped everything and ran as fast as he could back to his safe place. Which for him was home! Once again he sat in his handmade chair just a rocking back and forth with a very puzzled face. Staring into the open for what seemed to be hours and hours. Again just like clock work the squirrel showed up but there were no scraps. The man was so confused at what he seen he forgot to make dinner. He went to bed without even thinking about food. The squirrel knew something was very wrong with his friend and decided to collect dinner for the man. He was busy collecting nuts and berries which was hard work for a squirrel. He could not carry much because his hands were so small. It took some time but the squirrel managed to collect enough for the man and his little family. It was morning time before the man knew and once again he headed out into the hills for more supplies. This time the squirrel decided to follow the man and try to figure out what got his friend so baffled. It didn't take long for the squirrel to figure out what was happening. You see the man did not realize on the other side of the huge hill was a city. Yes, a fast growing fast paced city that the squirrel always knew about but the man had no idea. The squirrel had to think fast and try and figure a way to lead the man to that side of the hill to show him what it was that was scaring him and confusing him. So he got the mans attention and lead him to the edge of the hill where the city was and stood on his hind legs to show the man what it was that had him baffled. The man's eyes got as big as apples and he nearly fainted at what he saw. He looked down at the squirrel as if to say thank you for showing him what it was that had him troubled and wasn't scared anymore. Both man and squirrel went about there business as usual from there on out.
THE END

How is it that you can have three kids from the same womb and they are all so different? It sometimes baffles my brain to watch all three kids and see all their different personalities. My oldest from the youngest which would be the girl twin by one minute. The boy twin likes the fact that he is older and I like the fact that she can say she has an older brother even if it's only by a minute. I know growing up it was a huge difference between my brother and sisters. But still strange to me. I guess if I put a little thought into it I realize that if we were all the same what a boring world this would be. If God only created one type of flower it would get old seeing the same flower over and over. Not sure where this blog is going but I guess my brain is not functioning at this hour. Probably because it's consumed with other thoughts. I do like talking about my family because they all mean the world to me. If I had something like this from my Mom I would read and re-read them all the time. Just knowing that her words were visible and to know her true thoughts would be priceless! I do treasure the few pictures I have of her and wish I had a recording I could listen to of her voice. My youngest sister who's actually a little over a year older than my oldest is the most giving and sensitive person in our family. By sensitive I mean she has a heart of gold and is unconditionally there for me like an older sister. Ironically, she's the youngest as has the heart of our Mom. I'm very lucky to have her in my life. I think it's horrible to not have any sibling or biological family member that you do not communicate with. What's the point? To have the same Mom and Dad or the same Mom and not have contact with your brother or sister is terrible. I understand that we are all different and we all have our strong and weak spots but to not speak because of a falling out or a comment made years ago is non excusable. Get over it!!! Life is way to short and the price of regret is astronomical. You don't get a second chance and at that point. It's done! Some people can be so stubborn but I tell you it's at a cost you might re-think about paying. Off to the topic at hand. My son landed a job!! Woo Hoo! It's great that he finally made it out in the working world and found the inner strength and confidence to get out there and get a job. It was at a price though. It took him to move out and get motivated to get where he needed to be. Maybe not a price for him but more for me. But like I said in one of the blogs I needed to cut the apron strings and look at what's happened in less than two weeks! I'm very proud of him and I know he will do well at his new job. You go Dustin and be the best at this new job and never give up! Each day is another opportunity and a lesson to be learned. Each of us has that to wake up to. Every day is another lesson to be learned no matter how old you are. Believe that! You can take that to the bank and cash it! Theoretically speaking. If you go to the bank they won't give you anything. That was not a literal comment for you. (it's my humor) but you already knew that. I just had to put it in there. So I guess this is it for now I need to go to bed! I have a lot of things to do in a few hours and I will need all the rest I can get.
Love & Peace To All,
Tina

A Mother's Hug

A Mother's love. Looking back at all the memories I've had with my mom. It's truly a gift I will have for the rest of my life. Being this is my Mom's favorite holiday (Christmas) I can't help but think about her more than usual. In this picture it was my wedding day of course, and this moment is one I can still actually feel her arms around me and mine around her. I knew she was on borrowed time and in this hug we both knew what it meant. This was July 1st of 2000 and she passed August 23, 2000. So you can imagine what was running through our minds when this picture was taken. I can't put in words what this picture means to me and till the day I see her again this picture is what I hold in my everyday thoughts. It hangs right by my computer as a reminder of how much my Mom truly meant to me and my brother and sisters. This was a beautiful day having my Mom and Grandpa walk me down the isle. A priceless moment I know will stay with my kids and me. Me and the girls spent the day at the Mission Inn in Riverside getting ready. It was kind of hectic but at the same time I took moments to just look around at who was with me and what they were doing and embedding it in my brain. At times I think they were more nervous than me! Everyone was very helpful in making my day a lot easier and less stressful. For the short time we had to put this wedding into motion thanks to my Mother & Father in law it was better than a 40,000.00 dollar wedding. You can not put a price on having the most important person in your life being at your special day! What makes life easier for me is having married into a family that accepts me and my kids. I can say without a shadow of doubt they truly are my family. I feel like I have a second Mom that understands me and is supportive in everything I do. I can talk to her about things I would talk to my Mom about and it's not awkward. I also have a second Dad and a fourth sister! I'm truly Blessed to have married into a real family and a caring one at that. We have had our moments (but who has not?) I think that is what makes our relationship even better. We joke about who placed a bet at our wedding on how long we would last and to all their surprise it's been nine years married and thirteen years total together! I have a wonderful and loving Husband who accepts me and my kids unconditionally. I can't ask for a better family to have in my life. I appreciate all that I have and take nothing for granted because I know all to well how fast things can change.

Cutting the apron strings...

No one said that being a mom was going to be easy. I would of never imagined it to be this tough. There are more things that go on in a mothers mind than anyone will ever understand unless you are a mother and have the love and passion that it takes to be a mom. I for one am going through a really tough time with my son moving to his father's. It is confusing, yet I'm not convinced it's the best thing and yet something has to change for my son to become an independent person and grow up to be the best man possible. I coddled all my kids to much but for good reason. At the time they needed my protection and I was there security. As they grew up into young adults I continued to protect and serve like a police mom. It's all I know. But it seems to have back fired in a way and by that I mean I didn't give them a push out of the nest when I knew they could probably fly. My son more than the girls. He's my only boy and I love and want nothing but the best for him and my girls because they deserve it. I know there are ups and downs in life. More than most I would say because of my life and even more of a reason I protect my own has a lot to do with my childhood. Not the point of this blog. My son has only moved out less than 24 hours and I'm an emotional wreck on the inside. I went through my crying spells and if I think about it for two minutes I'll start crying again. But!!!! I can not live for my kids they HAVE to experience life for themselves. If and when I go I need to know that they are good and self suffcient. As a mom I would be doing them more harm than good by trying to catch all their falls. When they were small I did my best to keep them safe and away from crisis. Now, they are all adults and I still try to catch them before they fall and I need to stop doing that. I'm failing as a parent if they don't fall and learn to get back up on their own and realize that in every fall there is a lesson to be learned. It might not seem so at the time but there is. It's a tough job being a mom! Some might think it's easy and have the mentality to just kick them out at a certain age and say good luck "my job is done"! I can't be that type of mom but apparently the other mom in some strange way makes them grow into adults and self sufficient ones at that. So, my delima is to listen to my head and not my heart at least for a little while and see what happens. I miss him a lot and he's only 45 minutes away but it seems much further than that. I love you Dustin and I pray you will look to God for answers and comfort and always know that your one and ONLY mother loves her son more than you'll ever know.

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I don't know why my font changes when I go back to correct an error???


FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess it's something I'll have to figure out but man I get so confused??? It makes no sense.

Christmas

Well it's that time of year again. It's by far the most favorite holiday of mine. I think Christmas represents a lot of different things. First and foremost it's about Christ. I like the part of giving and the excitement of Christmas day. The anticipation of the kids opening their gifts and the real sense of what having a family really means. I'm very Blessed to have a wonderful family and wonderful children. I love that we all share the same excitement in the holiday and that it is a huge reminder of my mom and her love for Christmas! My mom would have the tree up before Halloween! She did not care what jokes we would crack. She was always so excited for Christmas to come and prepared for days. It was not that we had much but what this woman could do with just a few dollars was incredible! Every year I tell my kids to not expect much because Christmas just seems to creep up on you and before you know, it's here! One of my favorite things to do is shop for others and try to get the best gift I can within my means of course. I truly love to decorate and spend time with all the people who are important in my life and the ones I love most. It just brings out the best in everyone. This year was really tough because my Husband was laid off in November and for sure I panicked and thought okay in the past years I would tell the kids to not expect much but this year I really mean it and it depressed me faster than driving through a yellow light. It was depressing because my first thought was we are part of the news and the people being laid off and then my head gets flooded with thoughts of being on the streets and no food and what about medical insurance and on and on and on. Then my thoughts come to an abrupt halt and I say Tina you need to have faith. Where's your faith? So, I calm down and I say Jesus I'm giving it to you because I believe that only you can make a difference in this situation. It's the hardest but easiest thing to do. What I mean is that having faith can be easy when nothing is wrong. But, having faith when your lives are crumbling before you is a little tougher. Your faith is put to the test! The hardest exam I've ever taken for sure!!! So that's what I did, I gave it all to God and He answered. I knew He would I just did not know with what and when. My Husband has a new job at a very stable company and although it's a further drive we are so Blessed to have him working. Christmas? Well it's back on and going to be even better than the years before because this one WE will all appreciate! The close call of being out of work and the scare of the possibility of losing everything you worked for will never be forgotten and I know that nothing in this life is gauranteed. Heaven is to those who work for Christ but here on earth it's nothing. So instead of a Charlie Brown Christmas we will have a much appreciated and thankful one. No matter how many gifts are under the tree is not the point of this holiday. It's knowing that it can all change in a moments notice and there's nothing you can do. I love God and I'm so thankful my mom was the example that she was and her love for Christ brought me to want to know who He is. With that said, may ALL of you have a very Merry Christmas and don't take anything or anyone for granted we are not born with expiration dates tattooed on us and life is truly short and truly a GIFT. God Bless you all. Tina

Since it's Thanksgiving I decided to write about what I am thankful for. First I'm very thankful for my family. Without my family I am nobody. I don't know where or who I would be if I didn't have my three kids to mold and shape me into being a Mom and a role model in this lifetime. I am thankful for laughing! Without being able to laugh out loud and laugh at myself (which took many years but I can now do) is the greatest feeling of all. We as people do not take advantage of such a gift. Some are to caught up in their lives and jobs and social status. It is not worth giving up such a gift. I'm thankful for animals mostly my dogs and the unconditional love they give. They have pulled me through some tough times and at times I wish they could talk back. Maybe that's why our pets are so special, it's because they don't talk they just love you no matter what. If I could wish one thing this holiday season it would be "world peace"! I'm kidding it was just a passing thought of a pageant question. Seriously I would wish that on everyday not just the holidays that everyone and every living thing gets fed and has plenty of food throughout the year. To be a parent and have to worry about your child being hungry is worse than any one thing I can imagine. Material things are just that, material which equals replaceable. You can not look into your child's eyes and say "I'm sorry honey but mommy can't feed you today." That's a horrible thought but it's happening all over the world and right in your own backyard. Sure it's wonderful to volunteer and help feed the homeless and I'm sure they appreciate it very much but what about the next day and the day after that. Where is everyone when they are hungry again? Out of sight out of mind. Not good people, we need to step up to the plate so to speak no pun intended and take care of others that are less fortunate. It could be you at any given time and how would it make you feel if not one person gave you a helping hand? My personal opinion is it's just not right to think that doing a good deed once a year gets you off the hook for the rest of the 364 days. What gets my goat are the people with so much money that they just can't part with some of it to build a shelter or open a kitchen for the homeless to get a hot meal everyday. You can't take the money with you when your time is up so why not put it to some good use and kill two birds with one stone. Pleases God and help others? I challenge people that have more than enough to do something for someone else and see how it makes you feel and more important how you made the person that you helped feel. So, those are my thoughts on giving and what I'm thankful for. Happy Holidays all and God Bless Everyone, cause we all need it. Believe that!

HIKING

Tuesday November 17, 2009 went hiking with Alicia & Dustin. We took the dogs and off we went to Mt. Rubidoux. I've never been there before and it was absolutely gorgeous! The picture you see is way at the top of the mountain about 2 miles or so. The day was perfect and the scenery was even better. What a great place to go and clear your head. To see all of God's creations and wonder what things must of looked like a million years ago! There were all kinds of landmarks and history along the trail. The dogs were tuckered out by the time we got to the top and I was actually doing pretty good. I thought when we first arrived and I looked at the temple my first thought was we're not going that high I hope! But as the walk went on it didn't seem to bad and I couldn't wait to see the stone temple in person. I made it! I walked up the stairs and looked into it and it had a sign about the person it was dedicated to in the name of peace and happiness. There was a really cool wood bridge to cross and you could see things at a 360 degree view. It truly was amazing. I had no idea it even existed and now I'm glad I know about it. One of the things I noticed below was a cemetery. It wasn't a big cemetery but you could see on the other side of the road that they were expanding the lot. There were headstones already on the dirt lot. What makes me think when I see a cemetery is that that's the last stop. There's no turning back it's over. I often wonder what things will I get to see and experience before I end up in a cemetery. I don't know when God wants to take me home so I want to make every day count. If you have never been or if you don't have a loved one at a cemetery then it is to hard to describe what it's like. Our Mom is at Fairview cemetery in Tustin and I can count on one hand how many times I've been there in nine years. It's to hard to go and see your mom's name on a stone and you can't see or talk to her. I feel she is with me all the time and going to the cemetery is not where she really is anyway. I know God took her home and I also know that she wanted so much more than what she had. I don't want any regrets I want to live life, not just exist. So after discovering Mt. Rubidoux I have a brighter view on life and what it has to offer. I can't wait to go back. I think I found my new meditation spot.

The Light at The End of The Tunnel

Well it seems that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Thank God! I was worried that this last "funk" session was going to last longer than need be. But great news came today and the mood in the Gonzales house is great! It is truly a reminder of how you should NEVER take anything for granted. I mean EVER! This gift of life is so precious and so unpredictable. At any given moment your world can be turned upside down and you don't get a warning bell that goes off it just happens. So, in every situation you think you can't pull out of, you need to check yourself and say is this really worth all the aggravation it's causing me? To many it might be so trivial and when you confront it you can say it's not as bad as it could be. If we really try hard we realize that there is more than one reason we should be thankful for what we have and who we have in our lives. Being tested by God is the hardest test bar none to any test I've ever been given anywhere. In these days of our economy taking a dive and unemployment at its highest it makes me worry and wonder just when are people really going to start to crack under the pressure! I had a little taste of what it could feel like to lose our home and not have enough money to feed our family and there are people out there that are actually going through it. We slid through and are fortunate enough to see a light at the end of this economic tunnel. I have to tell myself though that there are no guarantees about tomorrow. For today I will take the good news and run with it and say thank you to the people who were there to support us through this scary moment. Thank you Dad, Mom, & Dad. Pray things go as planned and let this be a lesson to always say your prayers and to always believe that God will be right beside you no matter what. Even when you feel your absolute lowest. Trust me I could win a limbo contest I've been so low before. Have and keep the faith it's all we can do. But know that God will even carry you to take the weight off if you just give it all to Him. Thank you Jesus for giving my husband peace of mind and for the wonderful parents and family we are Blessed with.

funkitis

Since this is a place for me to blog and it seems a few webs have cast over I guess I can feel fairly safe to say whatever it is that's on my mind. It is a funk that I must be in and they don't come as often as they used to but I'm in one now. So, what do I do about it I write in the hopes that when I'm finished I will feel better. What is the cause for this funk? I guess I would have to dig a little deep for the answer then again maybe it's at the surface and I just don't want to pop out and say it. But what difference does it make if "webs" are casted over. I think it has a lot to do with respect and feeling important or just plain being trusted. Then again it's all of the above. How much do you give and never expect anything back? Do you think it's selfish to want better? Or to feel guilty for wanting better? I'm satisfied with what I have but there are others that don't have hardly anything and yet I want more quality out of my life. I don't need big expensive things but it would be nice to have just one of the things on your wish list. So it's okay or is it not? Kind of confused at myself right now. I ask myself if I deserve the things that I want and the answer is a hesitated yes. But I'm the wrong person to ask because I'm my worst enemy. Do you just serve God and let Him do his work or do I feel like a hypocrite. I know nothing is given and you have to earn the things you want. It just seems like a wall builds itself right before I take that huge step into promise land and then BAM I smash right into the wall! Where's your confidence and what makes me think I don't deserve what everyone else has? Not to sure only can say that I must be a really sick person to think that I'm alone in this and that I don't matter. I do know I matter to the people that really care about me and not about who they want me to be. In fact the only person I know how to be is me. So what's the problem? Just a funk. There are reasons behind it and I should be a stronger person and be able to ignore and overlook certain things but this is who I am and the way God created me. So I guess I'll have to put a little more effort into what work I need to do to make me feel like a worthy person. Funkitis, I hate it!!!

Abusive Relationships

Here's a subject that may or may not touch home. Being in a abusive relationship is one of the worst ways to spend your precious life. Why? If you live in or have left an abusive relationship then you know what it feels like. Having been in a very bad relationship I can speak by experience and not by reading a book. At an early age I knew I always wanted children and I was not interested in a career. It might of had something to do with my upbringing but that is the way I thought. I knew that the one thing no one could EVER take from me was my child. I dated older guys and I believe it was because I was in search of some type of father figure. I got what I wanted and married at 18 years of age. My daughter was born one day before my 19th birthday. My older husband left me alone most of the time because he was over 21 and I was not. There were signs before we were married that should of screamed RED FLAG warnings but I did not know better. The relationship was very controlling and mentally, physically and verbally abusive. I felt I had to live this life because he was what I thought I wanted at the time. I just wanted to be wanted. Simple as that. I can say that I went home to my Mom's several times throughout this relationship and of course always went back to the abuse. Even though I was told I didn't deserve it I went back. Mostly to empty promises of I'll never hit you again and I'll be nicer I promise. It never lasted! I loved this person enough to believe that he would change and time and time again he proved me wrong. I felt like I was in quicksand and people who cared about me and my daughter were all there holding a stick to pull us out but I refused to take it. Why? Well, I was told on a daily basis that I was no good. I was told I could never do better than him and for sure nobody would want me with a child or baggage as he would put it. I was called every bad name you can think of and after awhile you start believing these things. It might sound crazy to some but if you are told you are beautiful all the time you most likely are going to believe it. So if you are told you are fat and ugly and nobody will ever want you then you will believe it. I know because I bought into all that B.S. When I think of all the years, over a decade that I wasted on a relationship and the torment I put my kids through it makes me sick. I was caught up in the threats he would tell me and I truly believed he would act on them. But now let's go back a little and think of where you were before this person ever came into your life. I was fine without him and never knowing him I didn't think "Hmmm, I think I'll find an abusive man to live with". I was someone, a real live human being that deserved love, unconditional love. To think that out of the BILLIONS of people who walk this earth and I let one manipulate me like a ball of clay. There IS help out there! Abuse is not what anyone should get use to or think they deserve that as their life. Being the first love makes it even harder if that's what I thought love was. Having my parents divorce at an early age I don't think I was to sure what love was. Looking back I know I did not know what love was. Did it affect my children? Ah Yeah! After leaving and thought I was never going back he made it his mission to do whatever it took to win me over. It was like he could see it in my eyes that I was done. He would come pick up my daughter and get all dressed up looking good to make me jealous. At first it didn't work and then he would try even harder and living with my Mom and step-dad was hard so I took the bait and went back. Stupid, I know. Now it gets better. I move back and for awhile everything is wonderful. I'm thinking he's changed and now we can live happily ever after! Then I find out I'm pregnant. That's a great thing, but even better it's twins!!! Great for me, bad for relationship. This is a time where I can't really put in words. It was extremely hard to put it mild. I didn't go full term and had an emergency C-section at 7 months. The twins were just under 4 pounds each. My oldest daughter was 4yrs. old when the twins were born and I was totally overwhelmed. Because the twins were premature I had to be discharged from the hospital empty handed. That was one of the worst days of my life. I spent every minute I could at that hospital doing what I could which wasn't much. I have a 4 year old at home who needs me and I have these 2 precious tiny babies that I need. It was just about a month before they could both come home. One would think that going through all this as a couple it would make your relationship stronger. But it didn't. I was the one with all the stress and worry. He was the one that said I have to work in the morning. I was exhausted and I also worked. Now that my kids are adults I see the effects of my bad choices. They are beautiful kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I do see the reality of my poor decisions rubbing off on them. Mostly them being in relationships that are not what they deserve at all. Never settle, it's not what I would tell my kids or anyone. I have to say to my kids " take my shoes off "! In other words don't follow my foot steps. Easier said than done. When kids see what you put up with they think that's what life is. It is the biggest regret of all to see your child think they don't deserve better. I can't make their choices and I wish they didn't have those childhood memories as their own. I do have a light at the end of the tunnel which I completely thought would never happen to me but it did. That is I met a MAN that loves me for nothing more or nothing less. JUST ME! If God himself came to me in my first relationship and said one day things will be different I would of never believed it. Now I know God and I believe it. It happened to me and I have no abuse at all in this relationship of over 12 years. It is possible. Truth be told it takes a lot of healing and it gets worse before it gets better, but it's so worth it. If I can survive my past and live to type about it, YOU can too! Don't ever give up on yourself, you are all you have and YOU deserve a healthy, happy, life period!

Living with a "Label"

"P.T.S.S."
Post meaning after the fact. "Pre" meaning before. Let's use the example post-op for after surgery and pre-op is before surgery. Post traumatic stress syndrome is of course something traumatic that happened in the past and now you are affected by this event or events. What happens to someones mind with PTSS? I guess you really can't answer that question unless you took a poll of people who have PTSS and tallied up their opinions. It's my belief and experience that it's different for everyone. Why? Because everyone's PTSS came from a different type of trauma or has similar characteristics just different circumstances. In my case I've had many things that have caused my PTSS. I can only imagine those who are ready to hear some scandelous story about my trauma but you're out of luck. Sorry to burst any bubbles but details are not important. It is NOT my intentions to put blame on anyone but rather to talk about how it is to live with the "illness". It is very challenging to say the least having different labels put over your head about what mental illness you might or might not have. It has been my experience with over fifty or so different Dr.'s, psychiatrist's. psychologists, therapists and the list goes on that they all have their own opinions. Most of the professionals if not all have never experienced any trauma so it makes me wonder what book they read that they thought " this sounds like PTSS, or Bi-polar syndrome or Major depression, and the list goes on and on and on. It might be a topic that some are uncomfortable to speak about. I am not uncomfortable talking about it because it is reality! It's life. A part of life that millions of people live with day in and day out. I'm not ashamed of it because I did not cause it nor did I wish it upon myself. Could things be worse? Absolutley! With me it started revealing itself around 30. I was having vivid nightmares, crying all the time totally down and just like the commercial says hopeless and lost all enthusiasum for life. That is when HELL started. Talking to different Dr.'s being dissected like a lab rat and feeling like an alien, Having to literally put your life into a strangers hand and being told to take this pill and that pill and before you know it you're a walking PDR. (physicians desk reference). Everything from a to z has been put on your plate and now your so looped you don't know how to think! Throw in some hospital stays and you have a very frightened person staring back at you. I was one of the more fortunate ones as an impatient. What I witnessed over the years in hospitals I could write a book. I don't really know how to explain the hospital side of mental illness except to say that most of the employees are hardened to their surroundings. I can say that through the years there were a handful of nurses and Dr.'s that actually cared. Then there were the ones that you didn't want to piss off. I can understand why, and I can't really say I blame them. I was a model patient compared to the people I have seen in hospitals. They wore the staff out! As a Mom living with an illness it makes my life 100 times harder. I want to be the best Mom I can be for my children and I don't want them to look back on their childhood and remember bad memories. This would have to be the worst part of the entire Dx. is having your children see you in ways you pray they didn't have to see. In my case my kids have seen and heard a lot in their small lifetime. I would give anything for them to not have witnessed half the things they have. God knows how much I love my kids and how much I want them to have healthy and happy lives. We don't get to choose our life but we can make the best of the hand we are dealt. It seems like I have lived several lives and cried enough tears to make a "lady made lake". The first five or six years after being Dx. were the worst. Always hiding and running away from everyone. Not wanting anyone's help and in complete denial that anything could be wrong with me. I know there are some out there that refuse to even entertain the thought of taking medication. That would confirm they had a problem. In my way of looking at it I don't feel proud I have to take meds but if I had diabetes or a heart problem and I was told take this medication to survive I would take it. Just the same with anti-depressants. If I don't take the medication I will live a miserable and most likely a shorter life. As a Christian women believing in and trusting God I know that He can take away any and all things. I don't blame God. I'm being tested and I have faith that He will not put me through anything that I can not handle. If taking a pill is what I have to do to get through this life with some peace than that is what I need to do. It does not mean I won't have really crappy days or weeks but I can get through them easier knowing that Jesus is right next to me holding my hand. This life is so short and so temporary. No one knows when it's their time, only God knows that. I live to please God and have the faith that when God say's "Tina it's time to come home" I'll be ready.

"Flu Season"

I was driving by a pre-school the other day and I had an instant flash back of kindergarten. There was the teacher and all the little ones lined up outside all holding hands. Now I remember at times we would all grab a piece of the rope and hold on to it going to and from the classroom. Mostly though it was take a hand. As far as I recall the Teacher never said "make sure to wash your hands" after touching literally everything but the school roof! I think the only time we washed our hands was after painting or using that thick paste glue. ( that glue smelled like you wanted to eat it! ) Does anyone remember what glue I'm speaking of? We used tongue depressors to scrape it out of the container. Again, you need to keep in mind this was all in the early 7o's. The days you climbed trees, did hand stands on the concrete, and touched everything on the playground and stayed out till the street lights came on and ate anything before washing your hands. I would play raquetball at Magnolia Park and we would play doubles and after a game I didn't see anyone running off to wash their hands. These days I go into the mall and there are anti-bacterial wipes attached to every stroller! There are even wipes at the entrance of Grocery Stores! Now we have this Swine Flu going around and I won't get into those details but it seems that the more paranoid (in my opinion) the more likely things happen. YES, we should all teach and be taught good hygiene, to others and especially our children and grandchildren. Education is key to this ever growing subject. Sometimes I wonder how much is a scare tactic and how much is a pharmaceutial profit? Just my opinion.

"Motorcycles"

Growing up in my home was like being raised in a Motorcycle dealership. I was surrounded by motorcycles! My Dad was and still is a motorcycle fanatic! My Dad could do a wheelie on anything and I mean anything. He could do a wheelie on a Honda GoldWing 1000! Back in the day there were no helmet laws and he worked at different Motorcycle dealerships. He would ride different bikes home and sometimes he would take me for rides. One time I remember, is going down Beach Blvd. in Orange County Ca. at over 100mph with tears coming out the sides of my eyes from going so fast. Did I like it? Heck ya I loved it! The faster the better. More important I trusted my Dad's riding skills. I've seen more dirt than I think more little girls had when they were small. I did'nt play with dolls. I watched and sometimes helped my Dad work on his motorcycle. At our house it seemed any guy who rode or was interested in motorcycles hung out in our garage. There were always guys out hangin with my Dad. I used to sit on the steps in the garage that led to the kitchen and just listen to them talk. It was like watching a tennis match my head going back and forth watching them all b.s. about there motorcycle adventures. Myself, brother and sisters were taken all over to watch and support my Dad's racing. He raced the Barstow to Vegas race and I remember it was like out in the middle of no mans land and I got bored. So, I decided to go exploring now mind you I'm only five or six years old. I came across what seemed to be a friendly looking cactus I mean it looked like it had soft fuzzy hairs on it and it's shape looked like big mouse ears. Well, I decided not to touch it but to put both hands over it and then instantly thought, not so fuzzy and this hurts! I pulled my hands away from this not so friendly cactus and had hundreds of very fine cactus needles in my hands. I ran to my Mom not able to close my hands and showed her my curiosity "reward". It took what seemed to be hours for her and another woman to take each fine hair looking needle out. Do I touch cactuses anymore? Ah, not so much! My siblings did not show to much interest in motorcyles but I loved it. My first motorcycle was a Honda XR-75. I thought I was the coolest, riding my motorcycle. My Dad fixed it up to make it faster and we would go to different riding spots. Now you need to understand one thing about my Dad and that is he only knows one speed, FAST! When we would go to places like El Mirage (the dry lake bed) or escape country or saddleback and a place we called "Joe's place". We would unload the bikes and put all the gear on and head out for a ride. Of course the deserts have different terrain and some had more sandwashes than others or maybe that was just the route my Dad decided to take me on. If a sandwash was coming up he would look back and hold up two or one finger letting me know what gear to shift down to so I would'nt eat it in the sandwash. Squirrely comes to mind going through the sandwashes! Most of the time I made it through. After my Dad seen I was good to go, so would he and I would be following my Dad's dust trail praying I did'nt crash! His motto "when in doubt gas it"! and he did and still does. When my Dad and the guys were hanging out in the garage it seemed they had a whole different language. Some I understood and some I don't think I was suppose to understand. I still love riding but mostly on the back of my husbands Suzuki 750gsxr. Our trips to Glamis are amazing and it feels like home. There's nothing better, and for the most part people are one big family and happy to lend a hand when they see a rider down or out of gas or like me stranded and can't start the bike up cause I have nothing to lean on to get it started. Never ride alone!!! Trust me not good! Would I trade my childhood for dolls and not motorcycles No Way! Thanks Dad! (WFO)

Jingle Bell Spiders

So I went to my sisters annual Gatehouse sale which is the name of her business in Costa Mesa Ca. She has amazing indoor and outdoor high quality furniture along with imported home decor items. Anyways I helped out at the sale and had a great time talking with customers and hanging out with my sisters, my daughters and my niece.It was chaotic at times but that was the best part! At the end of the day she gave me a lot of things for helping one which being a replica paint can filled with jingle bells. I wasn't quite sure what I was going to do with them but I like making things and I thought I'll figure out something to do with them. So, being Halloween is coming up I decided no time like the present to look on line for a project with jingle bells,right? So, I type in jingle bell Halloween crafts and click on images. Well up pops a jingle bell spider and I think perfect! It looks easy enough to make and the direction are there on how to make it. So off to Michaels "where creativity happens" I go. I need pipe cleaners, beads ( cause each spider takes 24 beads ) and some 20 gauge wire. Well what seemed to look easy was not so easy. Putting two pipe cleaners through the same hole can be a challenge. Putting wire to secure the two bells to make a body was another challenge. Thanks to my husband, he seen my frustration and decided he would help me out and get me started. So I took a deep breath and jumped back in. Things were going smooth and then comes the bending of the pipe cleaners to make the legs look like a spider. Good Lord you wouldn't think that would be hard at all but you try it! My poor spiders looked like they had broken legs! Some came out really good and others not so good. I decided to take the project to another level and took the supplies to my in laws and recruited them to help me finish all these spiders. They seen the one I had already made and commented on how dang cute he was and then I said here you try. Well the next comment was now we know to appreciate the hard work it takes to make these jingle bell spiders and we can all take pride in knowing we did it!

"crafty spider"

When you lose someone. I don't mean there lost and you can't find them! I'm saying when you lose someone you love. When my mom passed on August 23, 2000 it was the worst day of my life. It was a shock when we first found out she had cancer. It was on my birthday which I shared with my Grandpa. My mom's father. We were in Orange County by the orange circle at a restaurant. I was sitting on her lap getting ready to take a picture and she asked if I thought the whites of her eyes looked yellow. I could see that they were very yellow but it seemed denial quickly set in and I said it's probably nothing but get it checked. She, looking back was distracted and not herself although she was good at not making a fuss. It wasn't to long after that she went to the E.R. only to be told that is was probably hepatitis. She wasn't convinced. Now her skin was beginning to look very tan but in a weird way. So, she went to U.C.I. and was finally diagnosed with a rare liver cancer which totally explains the jaundice that was consuming her body. Her liver was shutting down. The Doctor explained that he would do surgery but not to get our hopes up. The day of surgery was a nightmare in itself. We were told it was going to be a very long, time consuming procedure and not to expect any news for a while but he would try to send out a nurse for updates. The whole family was there in the waiting room not really saying to much if I remember correctly. Lots of praying and then the my heart stopped. The doctor came out within a couple of hours instead of 11 or 12 hours and it was not a nurse he sent out it was him! My knees went weak and I fell to the floor. He said it was very bad and it was a very large mass in her liver and had very little hope it could be operated on. So, we were asked the unforgettable question. Do you want me to proceed and do what I can or do you want me to close up and see what happens? I don't think any of us hesitated and we all said operate, do what you can to try and save our mom. Surgery went on for what seemed to be forever. After several hours and some positive updates it was finally over and we were able to see her briefly. It was so hard to see the person I thought would live forever, and never for a second did I imagine my life without her. I took her for granted, thinking mom's don't die or at least my mom could not. As a child and a adult I always told her you can not die and if you ever did they better make it a double casket cause I'm coming with you! It seemed absolutely impossible for my mom to not see her children grow and her grandchildren blossom. Our youngest sister was still in her teens and the rest of us were adults with children except for our brother. Our mom did some chemo and I'm not sure but I think some radiation and no medications and was given a very poor prognosis. She however was very confident that whatever was to be that it was in God's hands and His will is what she was going to go by. We on the other hand were terrified that it was just a matter of months that we had left with her. But, through God's grace He gave us 3 years more with our mom and she was nicknamed by her surgeon his miracle patient! He had never in his career seen a patient with her type of cancer live longer than a few months less alone a few years! When it was time for hospice to step in that was a definite blow and for sure complete denial set in. We were given a sheet of paper with a list of symptoms listed by numbers like 1 through 20 or so. As I read the list I thought she does not have one of the symptoms listed, she's not a candidate why did they send hospice? Well it was not to long before number one on the list happened and even then denial! She was talking and laughing reading her bible and we were reading it to her. She watched the movie Beaches over and over and over. Then number two and three started to show and again, denial! Before to long she had gone down the paper quickly, so fast I could not think straight. The strange thing was I did not react like the way I thought I would all those years of telling her she could not die. Again denial! Then it happened, I knew the end was near but I did not want to face it. I remember leaving her room as if someone took me by the hand and said lets go outside. A few minutes later I heard my older sister gasp and I knew it was the end. I ran in the house down the hall and seen my sisters eyes which confirmed she was gone. I sat at her side and cried, closed her eyes and put her arm close to my chest to keep it warm. That was the time "no word in the dictionary" could ever describe. When I see people with their moms I think and many times I will tell them they are so Blessed to have their moms and cherish every moment. What I would not do to hug my mom just one more time. My message, love, honor, respect, cherish and most important never take for granted the short time we have with eachother.

" Equal "

Equal, and I don't mean the sugar subsitute. We are all suppose to be equal yet there are many who have a different view or opinion. Hense the word Blog. I get to write whatever is off the top of my head. So here it goes. We are all equal even if others think differently. It does not matter what size house you live in or how big your diamond is or what imported car you drive and so on. We all have human needs. Such as, love, food, clothes, work, friends and I hate to say it but a bathroom! Status is not something you get to take with you. There is nothing you can take with you when it's all said and done. You can will material things to pets or family but guess what it won't be able to go with you! Here's a story about my mom when we visited New York. My sister and her husband treated us to a trip to New York and our mom was so excited. When we arrived it was like another planet! I've never seen a place like L.A. x 20! The busiest and loudest state I have ever seen. I think I only seen grass in central park which was a little different. I like trees and water and nature but if concrete is nature than you should live in New York. Anyways, our mom was set on finding the perfect souvenier to bring home and she searched and searched. It was just a swearshirt that she searched for and you can only imagine how many New York sweartshirts there are. Every corner is a souvenier stand. Finally she finds the perfect sweatshirt that she's been searching for and we are all like whew, finally she found one she really likes. She was so happy to have it. So off we go. We turn the corner and there stands a women wearing a green trash bag. I could read my mom's mind and I think we all did and we were like nooooo, you just bought the sweatshirt you searched and searched for but sure enough our mom turned around and went to the women and literally put the sweatshirt on the women. As she walked back to us she said " we are all God's children". It still makes me cry to think of that moment. Here's a mom who gave up a huge part of her wants and dreams to give her all to her children and other people's children. She is a great role model I can only pray has rubbed off a little on me. In loving memory of our mom.

"Just Say It"

Ever wonder why people hold back comments? Is it the society we live in? What if you said whatever it was at the time you wanted to say it. It does not mean it has to be a negative comment, it could be a neutral or positive one. Our life span is so short and we NEVER know when our time is up so why not express who you are and leave with no regrets. Right now I would say I have many regrets about my life and my accomplishments. I would of, should of, could of moments. What if you had a "say whatever you want" party no holds bar. You say what ever has been on your mind or just pops in your brain at that moment. You can talk about things you want to do and maybe get the courage to try and do those things. I believe it has so much to do with how you were raised and the type of household you lived in. If you had a positive and nurturing up bringing than you probably have or had no problem accomplishing your goals. If it was dysfunctional then maybe it hasn't been so easy. Self confidence and self esteem are vital to who you are and what you will become. If I could, at the snap of my fingers be what I always wanted to be I would be a singing, R.N., dancer, animal rescuer and have as many homes as it would take to house ALL abused children. Off the top of my head.

Off the top of my head in 5 minutes

When I was little small things interested me like what does dirt taste like and I wonder what this piece of chalk tastes like. I would hang out at the local park and play board games and ride the slide. I would and still do like to people watch because you can learn a lot by watching other people's body language and body movements. I often wonder what it would be like to see through a child's eye but never want to be a child. I've experienced two lifetimes! I like where I am now. Ok I only have one minute left. Don't know what the next "off the top of my head" will be but I'm sure it will be a surprise to me too! Until next time...